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The Brown Noser

Boring New Study Confirms Earth Will Be Uninhabitable In A Few Years Or Something

Published Friday, March 6th, 2020

According to some boring new report, the Earth will probably be uninhabitable in a few years or something.

“I think I saw in some journal or magazine that the world is starting to overheat past the point of no return,” said Michael Statler, yawning as he struggled to remember what the pointless study was trying to say. “That or it’s getting too cold. Or maybe it had something to do with water? I forget.”

The study, which concluded that we have a decade left to prevent calamity or something stupid like that, has reportedly been read by almost no one.

“I just saw this lame paper that said something about glaciers or carbon or some other stuff I couldn’t care less about," Statler explained, noting that he could barely keep his eyes open as soon as he glanced at the report. "I don’t know. Again, it seemed dumb and boring so I didn’t really pay attention.”

Further studies are needed to uncover who, if anyone, cares.

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