Monday, November 23, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Nate Kublin

Writer

Nate's articles

University Cancels Midyear Graduation Because Why Not | Apr 24 2020

University officials announced this morning that they will be cancelling the upcoming midyear graduation ceremony, because why not. “We have had to make a series of difficult cancellations in response to the spread of COVID-19,” said President Christina Paxson, expressing her most heartfelt sympathy for graduating seniors.

March Madness Replaced With Indefinite Madness | Apr 24 2020

In light of the spread of COVID-19, the NCAA announced plans to replace its annual March Madness tournament with indefinite madness. “We know fans were all very disappointed last month when we had no choice but to cancel March Madness,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert in a statement released Tuesday.

Boring New Study Confirms Earth Will Be Uninhabitable In A Few Years Or Something | Mar 06 2020

According to some boring new report, the Earth will probably be uninhabitable in a few years or something. “I think I saw in some journal or magazine that the world is starting to overheat past the point of no return,” said Michael Statler, yawning as he struggled to remember what the pointless study was trying to say.

Brown Treats Mid-Year Graduates To "Last Meal At The V-Dub" | Dec 06 2019

Just a matter of days before commencement, Brown has announced that all mid-year graduates will be treated to a “Last Meal at the V-Dub.” “The mid-year graduates, or point-fivers, are a critical part of our undergraduate and graduate communities,” said Elizabeth Reynold, assistant to the Dean of Community Affairs.

Report: I'm Pretty Sure I Have This Room Reserved At 4, So If You Don't Mind Packing Up | Dec 06 2019

Peeking her head through the door of Page Robinson 301, Heather Witherspoon ’21 reported that she has this room reserved at 4, so if you don’t mind packing up soon, that would be great. “I know it is only 3:55, so definitely take your time,” said Witherspoon. “Me and the rest of my group will just be waiting outside. Thank you for understanding!” At press time, Witherspoon was seen realizing that she accidentally booked her room for the wrong day.

SNL Absolutely Roasts Political Figure By Objectively Describing What They Did | Dec 06 2019

This past Saturday, SNL absolutely roasted a number of political figures by objectively stating what they did. “The cold open is our chance to make the largest cultural impact with our comedy,” explained head writer James McDavis. “We figured we could really take a jab at the current administration by having celebrities straightforwardly recount the past week’s headlines.” “In addition to having the legendary Alec Baldwin reprise his role as Trump, we are looking to get Tim Robinson here to play President Zelensky,” said McDavis.

MCM Students Outraged At Lack Of Oscar Nominations For Nonlinear, Incomprehensible Films | Dec 06 2019

After the 92nd Academy Awards, MCM concentrators at Brown expressed outrage at the Oscars for its lack of recognition for films with nonlinear and incomprehensible plots. “Just looking at the list of nominations for ‘Best Director’ speaks volumes about the Academy,” said Noah Trapp, a junior MCM concentrator.

Brown Students For Yang Proudly Pretend To Understand Economics | Oct 25 2019

With the primary election moving closer, Brown Students for Yang have started to proudly roam campus pretending to understand economics. “I support Yang because Universal Basic Income is simply common sense from an economic standpoint,” said Peter Greenwall ’21 said, putting on a facade of knowledge regarding the nation’s economy.

Report: BDH Stands For Boring, Dumb Headlines | Oct 25 2019

According to a recent report, the BDH revealed that their name actually stands for Boring, Dumb Headlines. “All of us lame nerds at the BDH just want to let everyone know that our name stands for Boring, Dumb Headlines,” said the stupid spokesperson for the dumb paper that no one even likes.

Shitty Climate Activist's Sign Not Even Funny | Oct 25 2019

Sources reported that area woman Ronda Miles showed up to a recent climate rally with a sign lacking any resemblance of humor, showing just how shitty an activist she really is. “Her sign read ‘We Need Change.’ A simple Google search would come up with something better,” claimed fellow activist Jessica Garcia, expressing her disgust with Miles’ obvious indifference regarding the fate of the planet.

Freshman Confidently Gives Wrong Directions To Other Freshman | Sep 13 2019

Upon seeing a fellow classmate who appeared to be lost, freshman Scott Tremble confidently gave wrong directions to another freshman. “You should find the Rock if you walk straight that way,” Tremble unabashedly explained, directing his peer in the direction opposite his desired destination. “I went on a tour during ADOCH, so I know the campus pretty well now.” At press time, Tremble was reportedly leading a group of freshmen up Thayer street toward Jo’s.

BDH Grateful That Nothing Newsworthy Happens Over Weekends, Breaks, And All Summer | Sep 13 2019

After a relaxing and much needed summer break, reporters at the Brown Daily Herald are grateful that nothing newsworthy happens over weekends, breaks, and all summer. “During the school year, we work tirelessly to bring the Brown community new articles every weekday,” said Ron Stinch, editor of the Providence news section.

Blue Room to Switch to Paper Forks and Knives | Apr 19 2019

In an effort to further promote sustainability, the Blue Room announced that they’ll be making the switch from plastic forks and knives to paper forks and knives. “We have big plans for this new initiative,” said BUDS spokesperson Evan Silverman, “Beyond paper utensils, tissue paper cups will also be used for all teas and coffees." “Our hope for the future is that one day, it’ll all just be bread, like bread bowls.”

Buxton Outraged After Having to Face the Consequences of Their Own Actions | Mar 08 2019

In the wake of the University’s decision to disband Buxton International House, members of the organization are outraged after having to face the consequences of their own actions. “How dare they punish us for punishable offenses?" said Ronald Bingham, Director of Communications for Buxton.

Report: Hot Person So Lucky | Mar 08 2019

According to a recent report by average looking people, that hot person is so lucky. “Wow they really hit the genetic jackpot,” said an onlooker. “Good for them. They really do look absolutely incredible and that’s a gift. Well, at least I’m pretty clever.” Colleagues report that the hot person is also a Rhodes Scholar. Ugh.

Student Band Performs For Raucous Crowd Of Eight Friends | Dec 07 2018

This past weekend, the student band “Stiff Pants?” performed for a raucous crowd of eight screaming friends. “Sometimes when we get really wild, our neighbors knock on our door and ask us to keep it down a bit,” said lead vocalist Ben Brodsky, who just performed for his eight closest friends.

Meiklejohn Decides To Take One Of Her Advisees S/NC | Oct 26 2018

Facing the deadline for changing grade options, Meiklejohn Liz Guerrero has decided to take one of her advisees S/NC. “I know everyone says not to take 5 advisees, but I was feeling ambitious this semester,” said Guerrero. “My advising partner told me it’s not that weird for people to take one S/NC every semester.” “He studies Sociology, which is outside of my concentration,” said Guerrero.

Incoming Class Entering Brown With Unique Backgrounds, Ideas, And Ways To Vape | Sep 14 2018

According to a recent article published by the University, the 1,900 students that have been admitted to the Brown Class of 2022 represent unique backgrounds, ideas, and ways of vaping. “I am incredibly excited about our new class,” reports Ron Craig, a chief admissions officer.

“People Have No Respect for the Flag Anymore,” Says Man with the American Flag on His Shirt, Beer Koozie, and Underwear | Apr 20 2018

Sources report that area man Rodney Fields spent the entirety of his Fourth of July barbecue explaining how appalled he is at those who disrespect the flag, all while sporting his American flag shirt, beer koozie, and underwear. “No one has any respect for the flag anymore,” said Fields, wiping some ketchup off of his red, white, and blue tank top.