University officials announced this morning that they will be cancelling the upcoming midyear graduation ceremony, because why not.
“We have had to make a series of difficult cancellations in response to the spread of COVID-19,” said President Christina Paxson, expressing her most heartfelt sympathy for graduating seniors.
In light of the spread of COVID-19, the NCAA announced plans to replace its annual March Madness tournament with indefinite madness.
“We know fans were all very disappointed last month when we had no choice but to cancel March Madness,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert in a statement released Tuesday.
According to some boring new report, the Earth will probably be uninhabitable in a few years or something.
“I think I saw in some journal or magazine that the world is starting to overheat past the point of no return,” said Michael Statler, yawning as he struggled to remember what the pointless study was trying to say.
Just a matter of days before commencement, Brown has announced that all mid-year graduates will be treated to a “Last Meal at the V-Dub.”
“The mid-year graduates, or point-fivers, are a critical part of our undergraduate and graduate communities,” said Elizabeth Reynold, assistant to the Dean of Community Affairs.
Peeking her head through the door of Page Robinson 301, Heather Witherspoon ’21 reported that she has this room reserved at 4, so if you don’t mind packing up soon, that would be great. “I know it is only 3:55, so definitely take your time,” said Witherspoon. “Me and the rest of my group will just be waiting outside. Thank you for understanding!” At press time, Witherspoon was seen realizing that she accidentally booked her room for the wrong day.
This past Saturday, SNL absolutely roasted a number of political figures by objectively stating what they did.
“The cold open is our chance to make the largest cultural impact with our comedy,” explained head writer James McDavis. “We figured we could really take a jab at the current administration by having celebrities straightforwardly recount the past week’s headlines.”
“In addition to having the legendary Alec Baldwin reprise his role as Trump, we are looking to get Tim Robinson here to play President Zelensky,” said McDavis.
After the 92nd Academy Awards, MCM concentrators at Brown expressed outrage at the Oscars for its lack of recognition for films with nonlinear and incomprehensible plots.
“Just looking at the list of nominations for ‘Best Director’ speaks volumes about the Academy,” said Noah Trapp, a junior MCM concentrator.
With the primary election moving closer, Brown Students for Yang have started to proudly roam campus pretending to understand economics.
“I support Yang because Universal Basic Income is simply common sense from an economic standpoint,” said Peter Greenwall ’21 said, putting on a facade of knowledge regarding the nation’s economy.
According to a recent report, the BDH revealed that their name actually stands for Boring, Dumb Headlines.
“All of us lame nerds at the BDH just want to let everyone know that our name stands for Boring, Dumb Headlines,” said the stupid spokesperson for the dumb paper that no one even likes.
Sources reported that area woman Ronda Miles showed up to a recent climate rally with a sign lacking any resemblance of humor, showing just how shitty an activist she really is. “Her sign read ‘We Need Change.’ A simple Google search would come up with something better,” claimed fellow activist Jessica Garcia, expressing her disgust with Miles’ obvious indifference regarding the fate of the planet.
Upon seeing a fellow classmate who appeared to be lost, freshman Scott Tremble confidently gave wrong directions to another freshman. “You should find the Rock if you walk straight that way,” Tremble unabashedly explained, directing his peer in the direction opposite his desired destination. “I went on a tour during ADOCH, so I know the campus pretty well now.” At press time, Tremble was reportedly leading a group of freshmen up Thayer street toward Jo’s.
After a relaxing and much needed summer break, reporters at the Brown Daily Herald are grateful that nothing newsworthy happens over weekends, breaks, and all summer.
“During the school year, we work tirelessly to bring the Brown community new articles every weekday,” said Ron Stinch, editor of the Providence news section.
In an effort to further promote sustainability, the Blue Room announced that they’ll be making the switch from plastic forks and knives to paper forks and knives.
“We have big plans for this new initiative,” said BUDS spokesperson Evan Silverman, “Beyond paper utensils, tissue paper cups will also be used for all teas and coffees."
“Our hope for the future is that one day, it’ll all just be bread, like bread bowls.”
In the wake of the University’s decision to disband Buxton International House, members of the organization are outraged after having to face the consequences of their own actions. “How dare they punish us for punishable offenses?" said Ronald Bingham, Director of Communications for Buxton.
According to a recent report by average looking people, that hot person is so lucky. “Wow they really hit the genetic jackpot,” said an onlooker. “Good for them. They really do look absolutely incredible and that’s a gift. Well, at least I’m pretty clever.” Colleagues report that the hot person is also a Rhodes Scholar. Ugh.
This past weekend, the student band “Stiff Pants?” performed for a raucous crowd of eight screaming friends. “Sometimes when we get really wild, our neighbors knock on our door and ask us to keep it down a bit,” said lead vocalist Ben Brodsky, who just performed for his eight closest friends.
Facing the deadline for changing grade options, Meiklejohn Liz Guerrero has decided to take one of her advisees S/NC.
“I know everyone says not to take 5 advisees, but I was feeling ambitious this semester,” said Guerrero. “My advising partner told me it’s not that weird for people to take one S/NC every semester.”
“He studies Sociology, which is outside of my concentration,” said Guerrero.
According to a recent article published by the University, the 1,900 students that have been admitted to the Brown Class of 2022 represent unique backgrounds, ideas, and ways of vaping.
“I am incredibly excited about our new class,” reports Ron Craig, a chief admissions officer.
Sources report that area man Rodney Fields spent the entirety of his Fourth of July barbecue explaining how appalled he is at those who disrespect the flag, all while sporting his American flag shirt, beer koozie, and underwear.
“No one has any respect for the flag anymore,” said Fields, wiping some ketchup off of his red, white, and blue tank top.