Partly Cloudy, 64°
Local high schoolers were dismayed to learn that the soldier Plinius wasn’t even interesting enough to be in the cool horse part of the army.
“Like whatever, I thought this Roman army project would be fun because we’d get to learn about crazy ancient horse battles. Little did we know, we got the most boring guy to ever exist,” lamented Sarah Steeves as if it was Plinius’s fault he was just one of many brave foot soldiers who helped the Roman Army toward victory. “Here’s a drawing of the stupid little sword he carried and the ugly shoes he marched in. God, why did we have to get such a useless, normal soldier? He wasn’t even in the epic horse squad.”
“I think he maybe killed a couple people in hand-to-hand combat at one point, but I don’t really care. He was literally just part of the marching and holding swords crew,” continued Steeves, preparing a single PowerPoint slide announcing “Plinius Sucks And Is Boring.” “I wish he’d gotten his act together and joined the sick horse part of the army. Then I might give a shit. But as it stands, I truly could not care less about how this dumb dude died or what his war tactics were. Literally he’s so boring, I wish he’d never existed so I didn’t have to waste my time researching his loser life.”
At press time, a stupid PhD wasn’t even the useful kind of doctor who could save your life.
