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In response to the campus community finding itself in conflict, Brown’s administrators plan to increase the conflict in the community.
“After seeing the heartbreaking effects of our exceptional community finding itself in a situation with so much conflict, we knew we had to act fast,” declared President Christina Paxson, launching propaganda campaigns demonizing different student activism groups. “The University has a long history of activism and unity during difficult and pressing times, and in order to address the increasing collision amongst our students, we have decided that we must now, more than ever, increase the conflict in our community.”
The University administration has tirelessly been searching for solutions to improve the community’s morale, and significant progress has already been made. Over the past few months, President Paxson and her cabinet members have incited over 27 different riots that really did the job of bringing the community together.
“At times like these, it is our chance to do something that will encourage solidarity in our campus,” uttered Paxson, partitioning dining halls by ideologies while promoting identity politics. “We will host the best, most unbiased speakers at our University that will surely not create more divide. We will also listen to our students’ demands and work with them to foster an environment that prioritizes harmony and compassion. This is why our best-in-class strategy will surely empower the campus community.”
At press time, the Office of Institutional Equity and Diversity announced plans to prioritize free speech as long as the speech was not that free.
