Nico's articles
A chilling report from my diary explains that the pap smear I just had at Brown University Health Services is making me feel a little crazy.
“My day started out very ordinary. I woke up, made myself some breakfast, and then headed to my 10am appointment at Wellness,” I wrote down in my diary post-pap smear before climbing up the walls and defying all laws of gravity as I clung onto the ceiling.
According to sophomore Madeleine Molina, spring break is set to be an unforgettable trip as long as the plane doesn’t go down.
“The recent news about planes is scary, yeah, but there’s no way our flight won’t make it to Cancun,” stated Molina, surveilling outside the plane window to make sure another flying object isn’t headed straight toward the aircraft.
In a recent University statement, the Center for Career Exploration has announced their plan to do anything and everything but help you get a career.
“This is an exciting time for the center, as there are so many possibilities ahead in today’s job market,” began the statement, ignoring the fact that there are 6.9 million unemployed people in the United States.
Following a recent hangout, your Brown OnCall Shuttle-like friend Talia has promised to take you home safely if you wait approximately 30 minutes.
“I can provide you with point-to-point transportation to and from areas not accommodated by the Brown Evening Shuttle route after 7 PM (5 PM after Daylight Savings Time ends in November) as part of my commitment to a safe and secure campus environment,” said Talia, requesting to see your Brown ID before walking with you.
In a not-so-surprising turn of events, Melania Trump revealed she accidentally got the dates for the Presidential Inauguration and the Michael Jackson look-alike competition mixed up.
“I had received both invites on the same day, so I put them on my desk right on top of each other,” explained Trump, practicing her moonwalking before getting in the car.
After further naturalistic observation, scientists have published a report detailing how the parakeet is definitely the queer one in the bird friend group. “We have been observing this bird friend group for almost eight months now, and we can confidently conclude that the parakeet is a fruitcake,” the report disclosed, explaining how the flamboyant bird was caught chirping to his friends with a limp wrist.
Sources within the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences report that they are finally ready to award a film about the transgender experience, Emilia Pérez, because it is directed by a straight, cisgender, and white French man.
“The Academy has never been as progressive as it is right now,” said president Janet Yang before announcing the all white and almost all male Best Director nominations.
In recent news, junior Jackson Dibbs was seen raising his hand so nonchalantly in class because raising it entirely would be way too gay.
“In his defense, he did look soooo cool back there,” exclaimed sophomore Alexa Dingles, who thought Dibbs was pointing a finger gun at first but realized he was just raising his hand in a heterosexual way.
Sources report that the reimbursement request you put in for your club’s pizza party will not be approved, fatty.
“Thank you for submitting a reimbursement request!” read an email sent to you by your SAO advisor, who has already declined the past two requests.
Sources report that senior Agnes Rumelda, a Medieval Studies concentrator, was really nervous about that rat over there. “Listen, that rat is bad news!” exclaimed Rumelda as she prepared for the devastation this would add to the filth and squalor of peasant life. “Send it away! Send it away, I tell you! These pesky rats wish nothing but destruction.”
At press time, an Egyptology concentrator was feeling really nervous about all that toilet paper next to a sarcophagus.
Following a recent lurk through other people’s Venmo histories, first year Amelia McCauley was wondering if there’s a party at “Pork Roll!” this weekend.
“Hey girl! How’ve you been?” started the text McCauley sent to that one guy she shopped a class with.
Sources report that your hungry little washing machine is eating all your yummy little quarters.
“Yummy yum yum! More quarters please! I must feed my metallic insides with metallic little quarters so I can feel my tummy getting full!” whispered the washing machine, hoping you would bring some more supper from the bank.
In recent news, Gertrude’s parents are actually so fucked up for naming their child Gertrude.
“It’s so fucked up, don’t even get me started,” exclaimed Gertrude’s cousin Cynthia Green, imagining how embarrassing roll call at school must be for Gertrude.“C’mon, people.
Following a recent roll around on your carpet, you realized that carpet burn is actually so fucking crazy.
“This shit’s insane,” you said to yourself as you traced your fingers through the reddish marks on your knees. “How does this even happen, and how can I even cure this? Is there even a cure for carpet burn? Who the fuck knows?”
“I think I’m gonna call this one Sally,” you continued as you noticed a scar that was definitely smaller in size yesterday.
A recently published two sentence horror story was actually incredibly fucked up grammatically.
“I honestly have no idea what it’s saying,” said junior McKenna Lim, pulling up a dictionary and attempting to decipher the story. “I mean, can a sentence even be that long? And what is with all these commas and em dashes? How do I read a sentence with fifty different punctuation marks? The scariest thing about this story is definitely its grammar.”
“The author very clearly did not give a fuck about grammar,” continued Lim as she felt her brain slowly rotting away as she tried to understand the story.
Sources report that an all-new Netflix TV show about a gruesome family murder-suicide was gonna add Jennifer Coolidge to the cast.
“We are so incredibly excited to have Jennifer join the family,” read an announcement from Netflix’s website that included an image of Coolidge photoshopped into the crime scene photos.
Promising to start off the academic year strong, UCS announced it is committed to continuing its groundbreaking work of not really doing anything.
“This is an exciting time for UCS,” read a welcome back email shared with the entire student body and sent five weeks after the start of classes.
In recent news, a professor banning laptop use during his class time thinks he is a part of the 19th-Century English textile worker Luddite movement or something.
“I came into class thinking I would be able to use my laptop as much as I wanted,” stated junior Terrence Gershin, as his professor smashed up the projector and screamed that technology was going to ruin us all.
Sources report that this part of the floor is actually so squeaky. “I was kinda just walking around my room, and as soon as I stepped right here I heard a huge squeak,” uttered senior Marvin Johnson, who just discovered that this other part of the floor right there is just as squeaky.
Why, hello there! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Marissa Jennings, and I’m a part of the incredibly fulfilling Senior Class Gift Committee. Oh! You wonder what that is? Let me hashtag explain it to you. We are a lit group of so many cool people who all share one marvelous thing in common – a love for the Senior Class Gift.
Sources report that the recent Community Coordinator strike has left thousands of incoming and returning students without an awkward cold pizza party on the first floor lounge.
“This is a tragic time for all of us residents,” said first-year Alexa Clyne, wiping her tears away as the strike had left her entire floor without a GroupMe chat.
Sources report that the student smoking outside Faunce is literally just Claude. “I was wondering who that mysterious and alluring person could be,” said sophomore Caroline Marks, observing the dejected figure smoking a pack or two outside Faunce just because. “But then I realized it was actually just Claude. Claude from my English class.” At press time, a student reading under the Main Green tree was just Esme.
Following a recent family dinner, you have come to the realization that your three-year-old cousin Susie is somehow still bald.
“She’s been growing up so fast,” stated your Aunt Julia, skipping past a video tutorial about how to braid a toddler’s hair.
Hello there! We’re the Marshmallow Smiles Puppy Adoption Center, and we’re super duper passionate about the work that we do. We love taking care of those puppies who need a better home, all while providing the most bestest and warmest cuddles to them in the meantime! Would you like to take a look at our selection? Oh! You have to meet little baby Squiggle.
In recent news, a Department of Public Safety officer was asking students for their IDs and if they can maybe get a bop on those bongos.
“We saw a swarm of DPS officers coming towards us,” said sophomore Alex Jones, rolling up his sleeping bag and enjoying his canned beans breakfast.
In a recent interaction with your English professor, he really encouraged you to compare the heartbreaking story about your grandma’s battle with a terminal illness to that tree stump over there.
“You need to reach within and use the astonishing beauty of nature as a metaphor for the tragedies in our calamitous lives,” said professor Rudolph Lester, getting emotional over how similar your dog’s passing was to the spilled drink on the sidewalk.
In recent news, the Ivy Film Festival was finally recognized as the most outstanding film festivals about ivy ever.
“We are so incredibly honored to receive such a distinguished award,” expressed Ivy Film Festival’s director Anna Bolin, planting ivy seeds around a local diner for her next cinematic venture.
According to a recent report by industry-leading experts, the whiteboard on your neighbor’s dorm room door is incredibly lewd. “It’s pretty unclear what that figure is, but I think I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be a bit dirty,” the report disclosed, adding that a vagina wearing a top hat should not be taken too seriously.
According to a recent report released by experts, Hell freezing over would actually be incredibly inconvenient for Hell’s biodiversity. “It would actually be really tricky down there if it reached below freezing temperatures,” the report mentioned, explaining that a frozen tundra would kind of ruin the Hell vibes, among other things.
In response to the campus community finding itself in conflict, Brown’s administrators plan to increase the conflict in the community.
“After seeing the heartbreaking effects of our exceptional community finding itself in a situation with so much conflict, we knew we had to act fast,” declared President Christina Paxson, launching propaganda campaigns demonizing different student activism groups.
Upon finding a comfortable spot for landing, a fly on the wall was actually deeply unamused by a private conversation. “Boring. Boring. Boring! What ever happened to a little bit of fun?” sighed the fly, trying not to yawn at your vastly uninteresting conversation that he doesn’t need to be here for.
Greetings student at university!
My name is Reneé, and I am your dedicated recruiter here at ElectraWorks Solutions. I couldn’t help but notice that you are studying Political Science at Brown University, which makes me think you would be a great asset to our Electrical Engineering team.
POINT: Oh god, I really need to pee. There are just so many stalls to choose from! Oh! That last stall seems pretty nice and quiet. I don’t think a lot of people ever get to that stall. The door is closed though, but, could there really be anyone in there at this time? Ugh, this first stall is just always so dirty, and it kinda gives me the heebie-jeebies.
According to sources, the Norwegian kjæreste is not that grønnsaker now that pålegg pålegg is bjørnebær.
“Jeg synes dette er en så dårlig historie, og det gjør meg så trist å se min slik,” asserted Jørgen Jensen, sneakily revealing that the agurktid from his håndbrems is actually støvsuger.
In recent news, a family announced they were gonna dress their baby up in a Rudolph costume as if he’s not the cutest little snuggle-bug already. “We wanted to do something festive and cute for our holiday card,” exclaimed the mom as though her little baby wasn’t already the most precious and giggly little bundle of joy in the whole wide world.
After arriving back home for the holidays, Hallmark Christmas movie protagonist Willow Stevens realized she does not need a successful career in New York City, she just needs farmer Ed Lovestone.
“I have been so foolish to think that my executive marketing job in the city was anything close to fulfilling,” said Stevens, daydreaming about mucking out pig stalls hand in hand with her beloved Ed.
Following a recent revelation, TV show housewife Mary Alice Jones relieved her husband had only murdered someone after suspecting he had been cheating on her.
“Oh thank heavens,” screamed Jones, solaced that her husband had not committed adultery, but rather, simply poisoned her next door neighbor.
During a recent family car ride, your dad announced he would play the “original version” of the song you just played.
“Don’t get me wrong, this is a fantastic song, but Bananarama did it first,” exclaimed your dad, as he scrolled through his only playlist on his Spotify account.
Through a recent email addressed to the entire Brown community, the Brown University CareerLAB announced an exciting rebranding initiative involving a name change and absolutely nothing else.
“Our goals have been quite simple since our founding: we want to help connect you to your dream career opportunities,” stated the university-wide email.
The Brown University Department of French and Francophone Studies recently announced an innovative new curricular plan consisting of increased time spent on reading, as well as the occasional beheading.
“We are so excited to take part in this academic endeavor that will surely improve our students’ comprehension of the French language and culture,” stated department head Marie Macaron, slowly running a whetstone across the blade of a guillotine.
After taking a History of Art course over the summer, junior Amy Lee is reportedly beginning to see Grad Center as a 50s Brutalist Avant-Garde masterpiece. “I mean, yeah, I totally see where people are coming from when they comment on Grad’s appearance,” said Lee, as she walked down the mold-infested never-ending bare outdoor spiral staircases.
Sources report that a silly little kitty on a TikTok video got weally scawed by a silly little cucumber. “He’s just SUCH a goofy silly little guy!!!,” read a comment from @user4019283735 on the video, so tickled by the itsy-bitsy kitty doing its little silly itsy-bitsy things.
Through a recent Instagram post, Brown Dining Services announced their brand new addition to the menu: Chocolate and Potato Chip Cookie Potato Chips.
“We’re always looking for new ways to reinvent classic dishes,” stated Vice President of Dining Services Stanley Hoover as he looked for his tall white chef’s hat.
According to a new text, your grandma is trying to set you up with a local Target worker.
“He’s a handsome young man, this one,” read your grandma’s text, followed by links to a religious dating advice website. “He says he is single. And he is 21.
After four long and tedious years of study in the city of Providence, senior Anna Mackenzie will somehow still be here next semester.
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than this bustling city full of opportunities,” shared Mackenzie as she strolled down the deserted streets of downtown Providence.
After carefully debating where to spend her time after graduating, senior Ashley Sloth from California has decided to move back to her home state of California because there really is nothing like California.
“A lot of people have been wondering where I will be next year, and I think I have finally determined that I will be going back to California,” declared Sloth as she recovered from the utter shock of meeting yet another student from the Bay Area.
Sources from a senior send-off event organized by the Nelson Center for Entrepreneurship report that student Brandon Jackson is eager to finally graduate and entreprune. “It really is an exciting time to go out into the real world and entreprune,” stated Jackson as he entrepruned with investors for the eco-conscious venture-backed high-tech start-up he hopes to launch before the summer.
Hey Kelly! Congrats on getting that Wellness single. ResLife would literally be so dumb if they didn’t accept you. You, like, always do your yoga things in the morning and you’re the spitting image of health. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that Gale, Sam and I fully support whatever decision you make with housing.
Following the success of their recent “Smashing Winter Spectacular” event, SV announced that they will be hosting a “Turnt Toga Tuesday” party in the same venue with the same student DJs as the past seven years.
“They’re saying it’ll be one for the books,” said freshman promoter Heather Long as she posted an Instagram Story encouraging students to use her code heather20 for 20% off ticket price.
According to a new LinkedIn job update posted for his whole network, freshman Lucas Grove is “extremely excited” to intern at Stop and Shop this summer.
“I have been wanting to share the good news for quite a while now,” read Grove’s post, accompanied by a screenshot of his offer letter.
A trailer for HBO Max’s upcoming season of “The White Lotus” confirms rumors that the new season will take place where Brown University students vacationed over break.
“This new season is going to give audiences a glance into the comforts and calamities of the ultra-rich,” explained Mike White, creator of the show, peering over the sea of Brown University baseball caps while on location.
Following the recent news that the economy might go into a recession, sophomore Debra Fisch is hopeful that the amount of male economics concentrators at Brown will decrease.
“I remember turning on the TV and seeing the news. I was so upset that the market was tanking,” said Debra, hiding her relief at the prospect of fewer men becoming econ concentrators.
According to a newly created Facebook event, Brown’s student theatre group The Lion Sing will be performing the 1846 musical “Jolly Good Day!” instead of Mamma Mia. “I just keep expecting to see Mamma Mia someday,” sighed senior Joe Prancer, whose only wish is to hear someone belt out ABBA songs on a desolate Greek island as they search for their true birth father.
Sources report that members of ConsultingPAX, one of the consulting clubs at Brown, have somehow developed a strong passion for consulting. “It’s all about the thrill of solving real-world problems," exclaimed e-board member Duncan Klein, completing his fourth hour of data entry of the day.
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