Sunday, May 19, 2024
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The Brown Noser

Nico Pereira-Arias

Editor-in-Chief

Nico's articles

Student Smoking Outside Faunce Just Claude | May 03 2024

Sources report that the student smoking outside Faunce is literally just Claude. “I was wondering who that mysterious and alluring person could be,” said sophomore Caroline Marks, observing the dejected figure smoking a pack or two outside Faunce just because. “But then I realized it was actually just Claude. Claude from my English class.” At press time, a student reading under the Main Green tree was just Esme.

Three Year Old Cousin Somehow Still Bald | May 03 2024

Following a recent family dinner, you have come to the realization that your three-year-old cousin Susie is somehow still bald. “She’s been growing up so fast,” stated your Aunt Julia, skipping past a video tutorial about how to braid a toddler’s hair.

If You Don’t Fucking Adopt This Two-Month-Old Baby Golden Retriever Right Now His Blood Will Be On Your Fucking Hands, Asshole by Marshmallow Smiles Puppy Adoption Center | May 03 2024

Hello there! We’re the Marshmallow Smiles Puppy Adoption Center, and we’re super duper passionate about the work that we do. We love taking care of those puppies who need a better home, all while providing the most bestest and warmest cuddles to them in the meantime! Would you like to take a look at our selection? Oh! You have to meet little baby Squiggle.

DPS Officer Asking For ID And If They Can Get A Turn On Those Bongos | May 03 2024

In recent news, a Department of Public Safety officer was asking students for their IDs and if they can maybe get a bop on those bongos. “We saw a swarm of DPS officers coming towards us,” said sophomore Alex Jones, rolling up his sleeping bag and enjoying his canned beans breakfast.

English Class Professor Really Encouraging You To Compare Heartbreaking Story About Your Grandma To That Tree Stump Over There | Mar 15 2024

In a recent interaction with your English professor, he really encouraged you to compare the heartbreaking story about your grandma’s battle with a terminal illness to that tree stump over there. “You need to reach within and use the astonishing beauty of nature as a metaphor for the tragedies in our calamitous lives,” said professor Rudolph Lester, getting emotional over how similar your dog’s passing was to the spilled drink on the sidewalk.

Ivy Film Festival Finally Recognized As The Greatest Film Festival About Ivy | Mar 15 2024

In recent news, the Ivy Film Festival was finally recognized as the most outstanding film festivals about ivy ever. “We are so incredibly honored to receive such a distinguished award,” expressed Ivy Film Festival’s director Anna Bolin, planting ivy seeds around a local diner for her next cinematic venture.

Report: Whiteboard On Dorm Room Door Incredibly Lewd | Mar 15 2024

According to a recent report by industry-leading experts, the whiteboard on your neighbor’s dorm room door is incredibly lewd. “It’s pretty unclear what that figure is, but I think I have a sneaking suspicion that it might be a bit dirty,” the report disclosed, adding that a vagina wearing a top hat should not be taken too seriously.

Report: Hell Freezing Over Actually Really Inconvenient For Hell Biodiversity | Mar 15 2024

According to a recent report released by experts, Hell freezing over would actually be incredibly inconvenient for Hell’s biodiversity. “It would actually be really tricky down there if it reached below freezing temperatures,” the report mentioned, explaining that a frozen tundra would kind of ruin the Hell vibes, among other things.

Brown Administration To Address Community In Conflict By Adding Conflict In Community | Mar 15 2024

In response to the campus community finding itself in conflict, Brown’s administrators plan to increase the conflict in the community. “After seeing the heartbreaking effects of our exceptional community finding itself in a situation with so much conflict, we knew we had to act fast,” declared President Christina Paxson, launching propaganda campaigns demonizing different student activism groups.

Fly On The Wall Actually Deeply Unamused By Private Conversation | Feb 16 2024

Upon finding a comfortable spot for landing, a fly on the wall was actually deeply unamused by a private conversation. “Boring. Boring. Boring! What ever happened to a little bit of fun?” sighed the fly, trying not to yawn at your vastly uninteresting conversation that he doesn’t need to be here for.

Hey! We Saw Your Profile And Since You’re Studying Political Science We Think You Would Be A Great Asset To Our Electrical Engineering Team by Handshake Recruiter | Feb 16 2024

Greetings student at university! My name is Reneé, and I am your dedicated recruiter here at ElectraWorks Solutions. I couldn’t help but notice that you are studying Political Science at Brown University, which makes me think you would be a great asset to our Electrical Engineering team.

POINT: That Stall Definitely Doesn’t Have Anyone In It / COUNTERPOINT: That Stall Definitely Had Someone In It | Feb 16 2024

POINT: Oh god, I really need to pee. There are just so many stalls to choose from! Oh! That last stall seems pretty nice and quiet. I don’t think a lot of people ever get to that stall. The door is closed though, but, could there really be anyone in there at this time? Ugh, this first stall is just always so dirty, and it kinda gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Norwegian Kjæreste Not That Grønnsaker Now That Pålegg Pålegg Is Bjørnebær | Feb 16 2024

According to sources, the Norwegian kjæreste is not that grønnsaker now that pålegg pålegg is bjørnebær. “Jeg synes dette er en så dårlig historie, og det gjør meg så trist å se min slik,” asserted Jørgen Jensen, sneakily revealing that the agurktid from his håndbrems is actually støvsuger.

Family Gonna Dress Baby Up In Costume As If He Not Cutie Little Snuggle-Bug Already | Dec 08 2023

In recent news, a family announced they were gonna dress their baby up in a Rudolph costume as if he’s not the cutest little snuggle-bug already. “We wanted to do something festive and cute for our holiday card,” exclaimed the mom as though her little baby wasn’t already the most precious and giggly little bundle of joy in the whole wide world.

Girl From Hallmark Christmas Movie Realizes She Doesn’t Need Successful Career In New York, She Just Needs Farmer Ed Lovestone | Dec 08 2023

After arriving back home for the holidays, Hallmark Christmas movie protagonist Willow Stevens realized she does not need a successful career in New York City, she just needs farmer Ed Lovestone. “I have been so foolish to think that my executive marketing job in the city was anything close to fulfilling,” said Stevens, daydreaming about mucking out pig stalls hand in hand with her beloved Ed.

TV Show Housewife Suspects Husband May Be Cheating, Luckily He Only Murdered Someone | Dec 08 2023

Following a recent revelation, TV show housewife Mary Alice Jones relieved her husband had only murdered someone after suspecting he had been cheating on her. “Oh thank heavens,” screamed Jones, solaced that her husband had not committed adultery, but rather, simply poisoned her next door neighbor.

Dad Gonna Play You The “Original Version” Of This Song | Oct 27 2023

During a recent family car ride, your dad announced he would play the “original version” of the song you just played. “Don’t get me wrong, this is a fantastic song, but Bananarama did it first,” exclaimed your dad, as he scrolled through his only playlist on his Spotify account.

CareerLAB Undergoes Massive Rebrand Involving Name Change And Nothing Else | Sep 22 2023

Through a recent email addressed to the entire Brown community, the Brown University CareerLAB announced an exciting rebranding initiative involving a name change and absolutely nothing else. “Our goals have been quite simple since our founding: we want to help connect you to your dream career opportunities,” stated the university-wide email.

French Department Announces New Curricular Plan Consisting Of Increased Reading, Occasional Beheading | Sep 22 2023

The Brown University Department of French and Francophone Studies recently announced an innovative new curricular plan consisting of increased time spent on reading, as well as the occasional beheading. “We are so excited to take part in this academic endeavor that will surely improve our students’ comprehension of the French language and culture,” stated department head Marie Macaron, slowly running a whetstone across the blade of a guillotine.

Grad Center Actually Not That Ugly When You Look At It Through A 50s Brutalist Avant-Garde Lens | Sep 22 2023

After taking a History of Art course over the summer, junior Amy Lee is reportedly beginning to see Grad Center as a 50s Brutalist Avant-Garde masterpiece. “I mean, yeah, I totally see where people are coming from when they comment on Grad’s appearance,” said Lee, as she walked down the mold-infested never-ending bare outdoor spiral staircases.

Silly Little Kitty On TikTok Video So Silly He Got Scared By A Silly Little Cucumber | Sep 22 2023

Sources report that a silly little kitty on a TikTok video got weally scawed by a silly little cucumber. “He’s just SUCH a goofy silly little guy!!!,” read a comment from @user4019283735 on the video, so tickled by the itsy-bitsy kitty doing its little silly itsy-bitsy things.

Ratty Announces New Chocolate And Potato Chip Cookie Potato Chips | May 12 2023

Through a recent Instagram post, Brown Dining Services announced their brand new addition to the menu: Chocolate and Potato Chip Cookie Potato Chips. “We’re always looking for new ways to reinvent classic dishes,” stated Vice President of Dining Services Stanley Hoover as he looked for his tall white chef’s hat.

Grandma Trying To Set You Up With Local Target Worker | May 12 2023

According to a new text, your grandma is trying to set you up with a local Target worker. “He’s a handsome young man, this one,” read your grandma’s text, followed by links to a religious dating advice website. “He says he is single. And he is 21.

Graduating Senior Somehow Still In Providence Next Semester | May 12 2023

After four long and tedious years of study in the city of Providence, senior Anna Mackenzie will somehow still be here next semester. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than this bustling city full of opportunities,” shared Mackenzie as she strolled down the deserted streets of downtown Providence.

Student from California To Move To California After Graduation And Settle Down In California Because It’s California | May 12 2023

After carefully debating where to spend her time after graduating, senior Ashley Sloth from California has decided to move back to her home state of California because there really is nothing like California. “A lot of people have been wondering where I will be next year, and I think I have finally determined that I will be going back to California,” declared Sloth as she recovered from the utter shock of meeting yet another student from the Bay Area.

Entrepreneurship Student Eager To Graduate And Entreprune | Apr 14 2023

Sources from a senior send-off event organized by the Nelson Center for Entrepreneurship report that student Brandon Jackson is eager to finally graduate and entreprune. “It really is an exciting time to go out into the real world and entreprune,” stated Jackson as he entrepruned with investors for the eco-conscious venture-backed high-tech start-up he hopes to launch before the summer.

No, Kelly, We Really Won’t Be Mad If You Leave The Housing Group And Accept Your Wellness Single | Apr 14 2023

Hey Kelly! Congrats on getting that Wellness single. ResLife would literally be so dumb if they didn’t accept you. You, like, always do your yoga things in the morning and you’re the spitting image of health. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that Gale, Sam and I fully support whatever decision you make with housing.

SV Announces All-New Party In Same Location With Same Lineup As Past Seven Years | Feb 18 2023

Following the success of their recent “Smashing Winter Spectacular” event, SV announced that they will be hosting a “Turnt Toga Tuesday” party in the same venue with the same student DJs as the past seven years. “They’re saying it’ll be one for the books,” said freshman promoter Heather Long as she posted an Instagram Story encouraging students to use her code heather20 for 20% off ticket price.

Freshman Really Excited To Intern At Stop And Shop This Summer | Feb 18 2023

According to a new LinkedIn job update posted for his whole network, freshman Lucas Grove is “extremely excited” to intern at Stop and Shop this summer. “I have been wanting to share the good news for quite a while now,” read Grove’s post, accompanied by a screenshot of his offer letter.

The White Lotus’ New Season To Offer Glimpse Of Where Brown Students Vacationed Over Break | Feb 18 2023

A trailer for HBO Max’s upcoming season of “The White Lotus” confirms rumors that the new season will take place where Brown University students vacationed over break. “This new season is going to give audiences a glance into the comforts and calamities of the ultra-rich,” explained Mike White, creator of the show, peering over the sea of Brown University baseball caps while on location.

Student Hopes Recession Will Lead To Decrease In Male Economics Concentrators | Dec 16 2022

Following the recent news that the economy might go into a recession, sophomore Debra Fisch is hopeful that the amount of male economics concentrators at Brown will decrease. “I remember turning on the TV and seeing the news. I was so upset that the market was tanking,” said Debra, hiding her relief at the prospect of fewer men becoming econ concentrators.

Student Theatre Group To Perform 1846 Musical That No One Has Heard Of Instead Of, Like, Mamma Mia | Dec 16 2022

According to a newly created Facebook event, Brown’s student theatre group The Lion Sing will be performing the 1846 musical “Jolly Good Day!” instead of Mamma Mia. “I just keep expecting to see Mamma Mia someday,” sighed senior Joe Prancer, whose only wish is to hear someone belt out ABBA songs on a desolate Greek island as they search for their true birth father.

Consulting Club Members Develop Strong Passion for Consulting | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that members of ConsultingPAX, one of the consulting clubs at Brown, have somehow developed a strong passion for consulting. “It’s all about the thrill of solving real-world problems," exclaimed e-board member Duncan Klein, completing his fourth hour of data entry of the day.