Tuesday, October 19, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Brown Constructs New Campus Swimmin’ Hole To Encourage Students To Hoot ‘N Holler Outdoors

Published Friday, September 17th, 2021

In an attempt to dissuade students from gathering indoors, Brown has completed construction on a brand new swimmin’ hole to encourage students to hoot ‘n holler outdoors when their book-learnin’s all done.

“We recognize that the presence of the Delta variant has complicated our plans to fully reopen this fall,” wrote president Christina Paxson in an all-campus email. “As such, we still recommend meeting outdoors as much as possible. Instead of throwin’ yer shindigs and hootenanies in yer’ dormitory abodes, why not spend a little quality time down at the swimmin’ hole? It sure is swell and refreshin’ down there. Why not give the rope swing a whirl?”

In her email, Paxson further reckoned that a swimmin’ hole will be the perfect place to cool yer soul after a long Sunday at Church. Just make sure to be back to the Ratty in time for dinner, or your food’ll get cold as a witch’s teat, and Brown works hard to fix y’all up something good and tasty for supper.

Paxson also announced that Brown had other plans besides the swimmin’ hole to encourage students to meet outdoors. Many classes this semester will meet on the front porch of an ol’ ramshackle shack, where a professor will lecture from a porch swing while a-pluckin’ a simple little tune on the banjo.

“We’ve begun construction on an old quarry where kids can go explorin’,” continued Paxson. “In the evening, it’s a great place to chase the fireflies that are a-glowin’ all about. Or if you want to make yerself useful, come over to my backyard and help me string beans to put ‘em up for winter.”

At press time, Paxson announced that all students should holler when they’re done playin’ in the water and she’ll tell one of her famous stories.

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