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Reports indicate that a student seemed way too giddy during a recent Brown Debate dispute over the ethics of child labor.
“Look, the data speaks for itself,” stated Club President Ryan Freeman ‘27, his argumentative voice struggling to suppress a creeping giggle. “The efficiency gains alone make this a no-brainer. Plus, of course, the invaluable work experience these kids are gaining. Oh, and let’s not forget those cute little ‘help me please’ notes they always include. Just melts my heart every time! I could go on, but honestly, I think we’re all just waiting for the applause.”
“At first, I thought they were joking,” said ten-year-old Ethan Martinez, who had been brought to the debate by his older sister, clutching his half-eaten Goldfish bag. “But then that one guy kept smiling and even pointed at me while defending his point about kids in sweatshops, saying chubby, greasy fingers were perfect for making sneakers. I got really scared.”
“We could’ve been assigned either side! It’s all part of the game,” defended Freeman, who appeared to be fighting the urge to cartwheel across the room despite sources confirming that the same members were noticeably less enthusiastic while arguing against universal healthcare last week. “Look, debating controversial topics is what we do. If you’re not being escorted by campus security, are you even really making a point?”
At press time, one Debate Union member was seen popping champagne upon learning next week’s topic would require defending the market for human organs.
