To combat long lines at overcrowded dining halls, Brown Dining Services has announced a new cafeteria at which Brown students can eat, study, and socialize: a 50-yard-long slop trough.
“Oink oink piggies of Brown University, it’s feeding time!” began Brown Dining Services in an email to students announcing the new meal option. “Get ready to gorge on some slop, hogs! For just one meal swipe, you can get on your hands and knees, crawl up to the trough with your sow buddies and go headfirst into the river of nutritious slop. If you get thirsty, stop by the mud bucket for some refreshing hose water.”
“Since the trough is outdoors, we never have to worry about occupancy concerns during COVID waves, so, rain or shine, you can waddle up to the trough and fill your snout with all the slop you can take,” the email continued. “If you’re worried if you’ll get all muddy, don’t worry: you will!”
In opening the feeding trough, Brown hopes to mitigate the long wait students often face during lunch rushes. Additionally, since the slop is specially formulated to contain all vital nutrients, the university hopes it will boost student health and productivity.
“Whoo-wee you piggies are hungry, but don’t worry, there’s enough mush to go around,” continued the email. “We’re open 24/7 too, so if you swine are up late after a long night of oinking about, stop by the feed trough for some hot pig slop.”
At press time, Brown plans to fix its overcrowded dorms by housing excess students in an outdoor pen with all the little activities a curious piggy could need.