In light of an astounding number of students requesting mental health services, the University’s CAPS recently suggested students not go to CAPS for emotional support.

“We recommend that students not go to Counseling and Psychological Services for counseling or psychological services,” said counselor Marc Hamil, concerned about the impact that Brown’s mental health specialists could have on the student body’s mental health. “For starters, the next earliest session currently available to students is in March 2032—on a bi-weekly basis.”

“Much of our work is short-term, with a focus on building healthy coping mechanisms,” said Hamil, nervous that students see CAPS as a substitute to real therapy. “We often tell students to take little walks during the day, because that’s gotta do at least something for an undiagnosed mental illness, right? But if students are looking for more frequent, long-term support, it’s probably best to go to someone else.”

At press time, University Mailing Services is suggesting students don’t order anything fragile.

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