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The Brown Noser

COVID Concerns Force University To House Excess Students In Golden Sky Castle

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

Citing a need to provide all students with a single dorm room amid the COVID-19 pandemic, the University announced that it has had no choice but to lease additional student housing in the golden castle floating high in the sky above Providence.

“To make sure we could bring as many students back to Providence as possible this semester, we’ve housed hundreds of students in a crystal palace with gold-plated walls built atop the clouds,” explained Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, emphasizing that this shining citadel towering within the firmament was the most affordable off-campus housing solution available in the greater Providence area. “The University will not charge extra room and board for the cavernous bedchambers students have been placed in, nor for the sumptuous pampering they will receive from the castle’s legion of divine cherub servants at all hours of the day.”

Students housed in the magnificent feat of architecture once occupied by deities of old expressed satisfaction with their living conditions, even though the building is as ancient as time itself. However, residents complained that it takes too long to get to campus by crossing the everlasting rainbow and descending from a heavenly beam of light onto Simmons Quad.

“To make sure students housed in the Great Beyond are able to get to classes on time, we have been running a contingent of flying chariots helmed by sun goddesses to shuttle students to and from campus between the hours of 7:00 AM and 2:00 AM,” Estes continued, noting that a Brown ID is required for safety purposes before any student can mount a glowing pegasus bound for College Hill. “As part of the off-campus meal plan, all students residing in the celestial acropolis beyond space and time will be provided with a complimentary gilded crown and jewel-encrusted scepter to use when seated upon their ethereal thrones.”

Meanwhile, in order to provide first-year students with a more genuine on-campus experience, the University began work on plans to house freshmen in the fiery inferno of eternal damnation deep below the earth.

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