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The Brown Noser

COVID Temperature Check Just Mom Feeling Forehead With Back of Hand

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

In an update to the University’s testing procedures, the COVID temperature check will pivot to a system based on a mom feeling every patient’s forehead with the back of her hand. “To improve our fever screening, we decided to replace our thermometers with a mom who presses the back of her hand to your forehead for a couple seconds,” said head doctor Misha Bigsworth, describing how the mom would first feel each student’s forehead to see if it’s warm and then check their cheeks for color. “We think that this approach will be more accurate and weed out people who are just pretending to have a fever to get out of their tests. Additionally, the mom will supplement their temperature checks with inquiries about what you’ve been eating, whether you’re dehydrated, and if you’d like a cup of hot broth to make you feel better.” At press time, Bigsworth mentioned that the check-in tables would be replaced by a dad who just sends the patient to whatever row they want.

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