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The Brown Noser

Campus Construction Actually Massive Project To Find Long-Lost Treasure Of Nicholas Brown

Published Friday, December 7th, 2018

At a press conference on Friday morning, Assistant Vice President of Planning, Design & Construction Rick Bowe revealed that the various construction projects on campus were actually part of a massive, coordinated effort to find the long-lost treasure of Nicholas Brown.

“Nicholas Brown didn’t leave very many clues,” said Bowe, showing reporters a mysterious map on the back of Brown University’s founding charter. “We thought the map said the treasure was buried deep under Wilson Hall, but after many months of searching, all we found was a small kaleidoscope with Roman numerals etched into the casing.”

“Earlier this year, we were able to use the kaleidoscope to find a small scroll hidden behind the northern clock face of Carrie Tower,” continued Bowe, adding that a riddle on the scroll prompted the University to start four new construction projects in the vicinity of Thayer Street. “Unfortunately, the project off Thayer near the Watson Institute has been a massive waste of our resources so far. The only thing that seems to be there is a bunch of dirt.”

“We’re hoping that this new round of construction leads us to the crypt where Nicholas Brown is rumored to have stashed his fortune,” added Bowe. “If the project is successful, the University will be rich with the thousands of gemstones, chalices, and gold coins that Nicholas Brown left behind so many years ago.”

At press time, construction crews were creating more detours to dissuade rival treasure hunters.

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