In a surprise address at the Vatican yesterday, Pope Francis officially announced a new Church edict confirming that rosé is indeed God’s gift to Trish. “The one billion faithful Catholics worldwide all know that Trish Riddick, of Indiana University’s Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority chapter, loves rosé," said the infallible representative for the divine here on Earth. “It has become something of a joke among Trish’s sisters that God, in his infinite wisdom, has created the beverage just for her. Well today, the church henceforth acknowledges this as ecclesiastical law. Let it be known now and forever that, be it Bougrier Rose d’Anjou, Skinnygirl California Sparkling, or even a big box of Franzia, rosé is undoubtedly a gift from the eternal unto Trish, KKG recruitment chair.” At press time, the Pope has also confirmed that Mrs. Clermont’s Lemon Bars really are heavenly.

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