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Scouring volumes of online recipes and ancient manuscripts, local chocolatier Buster Sweetings was reportedly on a quest to figure out what the hell nougat is.
“I’m the premier chocolatier in my confectionary district, so I get a lot of inquiries into my craft,” Sweetings said, frolicking jubilantly through candy cane-lined marshes in his search for the true meaning of nougat. “But I’m sick of customers asking ‘Does this chocolate have nougat?’ like I’m supposed to know what the fuck that is.”
“That’s why I decided to risk my life to find out once and for all what the hell is going on with this ‘nougat’ bullshit,” Sweetings continued, somersaulting into the Room Of A Thousand Lollipops so he could steal the fabled Book of Confectionary Secrets and replace it with an exact toffee replica. “Like, what the fuck is this anyways? A goddamn nut? An assholey word for caramel?”
“Come to think of it, I don’t even think the guys who make Snickers know what nougat is,” Sweetings remarked, hoisting himself with a taffy rope into the nearest gumdrop tree after narrowly escaping a vicious pack of marshmallow wolves. “It’s about time that we confectioners start restoring public faith in our knowledge of simple, everyday food items, starting with that nougat crap.”
At press time, Sweetings was plotting his course for a heroic journey to find out what the fuck marzipan is.
