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The Brown Noser

Christina Paxson Proudly Reports That Class Of 2023 An Entire 5% Hotter Than Class of 2022

Published Friday, September 13th, 2019

Proudly addressing distinguished faculty and staff on Monday, President Christian Paxson announced the findings of a recent study indicating that the Class of 2023 is an entire 5% hotter than the preceding Class of 2022.

“Every year we strive for an incoming class that exhibits a continuing devotion to improving our university,” Paxson declared at the recent faculty luncheon. “That’s why it brings me so much joy to report that the Class of 2023 is slightly hotter than the current sophomore class. The sophomores are okay, but, boy, these freshmen are some lookers!”

Paxson rattled of stats including the lowered admission rate of the Class of 2023, as well as numbers concerning location, test scores, and overall hotness of the class’s 1,700 members.

“You can see here that the Class of 2022 isn’t not hot, per se,” Paxson said, gesturing to a scatter plot she had prepared for the presentation. “But once we add the data from the Class of 2023, we find a trend that, year by year, our students get just a little bit hotter. At this rate, we anticipate that our students may be among the hottest in the country by 2030.”

“Each individual in the Class of 2023 exemplifies Brown’s dedication to academic excellence, critical thinking, and having hot students,” Paxson concluded. “We have no doubt that they’ll have a significant impact on the world, as well as the self-esteem of the Class of 2022, who is, again, slightly less hot.”

At press time, the Class of 2023 also had better personalities.

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