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The Brown Noser

Class Of 19.5 Told To Just Let Themselves Out Van Wickle Gates

Published Friday, December 6th, 2019

President Christina Paxson announced this week that the mid-year graduates of the Class of 19.5 should just let themselves out of the Van Wickle Gates.

“Just spare us the fanfare,” Paxson wrote in a press release. “I’ll be busy in my office, so I’ll leave the gates open for you, if you wouldn’t mind locking them on your way out.”

“We’ll just leave a pile of blank degrees outside Faunce and you can write in your name and concentration,” the press release continued. “If you really miss the pageantry, John Krasinski’s speech from last spring is on YouTube. It’s really good! Graduating is a once in a lifetime experience!”

At press time, Paxson was feigning a yawn to hint to graduates that they should start leaving now.

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