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The Brown Noser

College Campuses Must Be An Absolute Shitshow In The Fall. Here’s How We Do It.

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

Across the country, college campuses turned to ghost towns this year. With students and professors hunkered down inside, the adverse effect of COVID-19 on colleges and universities became clear. The toll of this pandemic is high and will continue to rise. But if one thing is paramount, it’s that we must work tirelessly to make campuses a complete and utter shitshow this fall. Here’s how we do it.

As amazing as videoconferencing technology has become, it nevertheless poses barriers to achieving viral armageddon on campuses this fall. That’s why we should bring students back when case numbers are climbing and our country has no unified way of dealing with the pandemic. If my projections are correct, this will put colleges in a very compromising situation, resulting in a massive shitshow of unrivaled proportions.

Although a vast majority of residential college students will experience only mild symptoms if they contract the coronavirus, I’m confident that colleges can still create a big old mess. With their ability to spread coronavirus to at-risk individuals in their wider communities, students are likely to foster virus hot spots. Luckily, we are dealing with touch-starved, socially deprived 18 to 22 year olds — the perfect candidates for illicit parties, meetings, and other high-risk activities that will make us send them home almost immediately after their return to campus.

I’m cautiously optimistic that we can reach this sort of unhinged chaos, but only if we take care to restructure typical college experiences. Imagine athletic events taking place with the looming risk of spreading a deadly virus, recital halls filled with patrons that might spread a deadly virus to each other, social activities that result in everyone contracting a deadly virus.

Our duty now is to marshal the resources to turn campuses into Petri dishes as soon as possible. Our students, and a spectacular failure that will go down in history, depend on it.

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