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In a striking report out of the Providence Public School District this past week, the coolest girl in eighth grade, Arabella Davis, was no match for Melanie Moore, the lamest girl in ninth grade.
“I thought I was hot shit,” commented Davis as Moore sat alone, reading quietly during her break period. “But that all changed when I met Melanie. Holy shit, I was out of my depth. I can’t even leave school during lunch period. She has a public Instagram account.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I still run this grade,” Davis added as Moore picked gum out of her hair and teeth. “But Melanie is on a whole other level. Her mom lets her buy bras alone. My mom still comes with me to make sure I don’t get the wrong size.”
“I just wish I could capture some of her classy aura,” Davis commented, seemingly referring to the way Moore tripped over her own feet on the way to Advanced Geometry. “Melanie just has something special. I can’t describe it. She’s like Megan Fox or something.”
At press time, the fastest boy in kindergarten was getting absolutely lapped by the slowest boy in first grade.
