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Local sources were stunned to discover that cyclops monk Brontes Hephaetius successfully opened his second eye.
“I feel as though I have transformed,” said Hephaetius, whose extensive metaphysical odyssey came with the added bonus that he can now wear glasses. “I am one with the Universe, and it is one with me. Serenity overflows within me.”
“Joy, sorrow, rage, laughter. These are all transient, like dust in the wind,” continued Hephaetius, who could probably smoke an eye exam right now. “I have surrendered to that wind, and now it carries me toward freedom.”
“I can see it all so clearly now,” added Hephaetius, presumably referring to his state of spiritual enlightenment and not his newly-acquired depth perception. “The cosmic storm has given way to total tranquility, and all appears before me with unmatched clarity.”
At press time, a centaur won the Kentucky Derby.
