In an effort to cut costs, the FBI has announced that their witness protection program will now be comprised of a box of sunglasses and fake mustaches. “We are confident that these measures will put us back in the black, while also ensuring that our witnesses will be safe behind dark shades, and big bushy fake facial hair,“ explained Grant Carter, president of the program, as he tossed a handful of dollar store plastic glasses into a cardboard box with “witness protection” scrawled on the side in marker.
“I do not feel confident that this will work,” said Mary Rawley, a witness currently registered with the program. “I guess the sunglasses cover a lot of my face, but I think the mustache is just confusing and it itches really bad. Plus, since there’s no money to relocate me, I just live in my old house. I am pretty sure the neighbors know it’s me under this stuff.”
Other witnesses currently enrolled in the program have expressed similar doubts. “The fact that it was so easy to locate me for an interview doesn’t bode well,” said Teddy Madison, who was enrolled in the program after witnessing mobsters murder ten people then testifying against them in open court. “When I was in court, all the mobsters were shouting that I was dead meat. Now I’m living in the same house I’ve lived in my whole life, and if anything the fake mustache and sunglasses I have to wear all the time just draws more attention to me.”
Carter staunchly defends his decision, explaining, “Trust me, it is very hard to recognize a person if you put a fake mustache and a pair of sunglasses on them. I can say with certainty that if my kids came home wearing fake mustaches and sunglasses I would not know who they were.” When pressed, Macy admitted that the program is not equipped to handle a situation in which a witness in need of protection already has a mustache.