According to sources sitting on a bench by the Main Green, an absolutely delusional squirrel is running away from people as though any of them would want to take his acorns. “Not to be disrespectful or anything, but I’m a person and don’t want to eat raw acorns from the ground,” said onlooker Sierra Pérez, confused as to why the squirrel doesn’t just relax around her. “I mean, I doubt any person has ever tried to steal one of his acorns in the past, so why would it happen now? That little freak needs to chill out.” At press time, a raccoon was getting all territorial over a dumpster as though garbage is some big prize.

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