Partly Cloudy, 64°
After a shockingly coincidental day with absolutely no events, Today@Brown threw a wild Hail Mary and just decided to announce tomorrow’s Today@Brown.
“We turned over every stone, but it just so happens that on this particular Friday, absolutely no events are happening at all at Brown University. We’ve never seen such a blank, dry day in the calendar,” said Sloane Chompsky of the Brown Communications Team, wringing her hands over the last-ditch, positively barren email that would soon be sent out to all staff, faculty, and students. “In my 47 years writing the Today@Brown email, this Friday is officially the most boring day on record. We literally have nothing to tell you all about tomorrow, except for the fact that we will be sending out another email very much like this one.”
“We can usually count on the Career Center to be having some sort of useless peer-review session at least once a day,” continued Chompsky, wiping her brow and defeatedly typing up the announcement for tomorrow’s email in today’s email. “Or there will be at least one call for unpaid participants in a clinical study about chronic marijuana use. But no—apparently, the Career Center is actually all out of Career Advice, and I guess the stoners were the first to go in the federal budget cuts. Honestly, not even the BDH could have found something to report about. Just a 24-hour gray void. A static blur. Oh, God…without any events to announce, will the day…even…exist?”
At press time, you had forgotten to put your phone on Do Not Disturb, and the email’s violent phone notification jolted you from your dreamless slumber at 1:03am.
