Sources report that, despite starting college in the midst of a global pandemic, freshman Doris Scarpeppo has already achieved the #1 best part of the Brown experience by getting to read The Brown Noser.
“That’s the most quintessential Brown experience there is,” said senior Jake Crosley, noticing Scarpeppo perusing The Noser while waiting in the mail room. “I know she’s missing out on parties and things like that, but reading The Noser’s 60 to 70 satirical headlines every two months provides more of a rush than one hundred frat parties combined.”
“Little does she know that even Spring Weekend can’t hold a candle to getting that sweet, sweet copy of The Brown Noser in your hands,” Crosley continued, adding that Scarpeppo shouldn’t even bother with things like 5 AM Louie’s or the Sci Li Challenge now that all other rites of passage will pale in comparison to devouring each and every word of The Brown Noser’s 16 jam-packed pages. “I remember the first time I got a copy of The Noser. That’s the day I went from naive child to full-blown, properly-initiated Brown University student. Not even a year-long pandemic can take that away from these freshmen.”
“I bet she still thinks that Blue Room muffins are an important Brown experience,” Crosley scoffed, chuckling at the thought of how bland they will taste after Scarpeppo has experienced the colorful, exhilarating, dynamic world of comedy newspaper The Brown Noser. “It’s all downhill from here, kid.”
At press time, Scarpeppo knocked out the #1 worst part of the Brown experience in the same trip as she picked up a copy of the BDH on her way out the door.