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Sources report that area detective Derek Plantain keeps holding his magnifying glass very close to his face as he talks.
“Plantain walked up to the crime scene with a magnifying glass just absolutely smushed against the top-right quarter of his face,” said Sergeant Fidelio Swine, perplexed by Plantain’s antics. “He came up to me and the other officers to ask about the details of the case and just kept that glass held all the way up to his face the whole time he was talking. He kept moving his head around looking at everything and nothing. I could see the smear marks on the edges of the glass from his eye socket and the bridge of his nose.”
“Once we gave him clearance to step over the caution tape and check out the scene itself, he squished the magnifying glass even harder against his face. Kind of thing that makes you hope the handle has an ergonomic grip, because boy, was he clutching it hard,” Swine continued, mimicking holding a magnifying glass to his face and bulging his eyes slightly for effect. “Plantain talked to a witness, one of the deli owners on the street, and a friend of the victim, whole time holding the glass right up to his face and moving his head around like a chicken to get various angles on them. He kept telling us he was getting ‘great clues,’ so I’m not gonna try to stop him or anything.”
At press time, Plantain pulled a wooden pipe from inside his trench coat to pensively smoke while he considered the evidence.
