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The Brown Noser

Discouraged Provost Locke Scouring Noser Pages For Article About Him

Published Friday, March 6th, 2020

Desperately flipping through the Brown Noser copy he just picked up at Faunce Arch, Provost Richard Locke grew discouraged as he scoured the pages of the Noser for an article about him.

“Of course, there’s the usual Rashid Zia article,” Locke complained, slumping further back in his chair as he neared the end of the latest issue. “Oh, and they even had room for a second Zia article, but no love for Rick Locke yet again? What gives?”

Dejectedly scanning back through the paper for any name drops he may have missed, Locke let out a hopeless sigh after a search for his name on the Noser website yielded no results.

“I’ve been the second most powerful person at this University since 2015, but those smug Noser writers just act like I’m completely invisible,” Locke grumbled, disappointedly tossing the latest Noser issue in the trash. “Sure, they loved Maud Mandel back in the day, and there’s plenty of attention for Paxson. Hell, they even had an article about Chancellor Mencoff of all people recently. Chancellor Mencoff! But never an article for me. I’d take anything at this point — a goofy character, a harsh roast, whatever it takes to get in that damn paper.”

At press time, a gloomy Locke settled in to wait patiently for the next Noser issue.

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