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In what has been dubbed “a Hollywood scandal for the ages,” silent film star Lena Archwood was revealed Monday to actually have been talking really, really quietly the whole time. “This goes against everything I’ve learned from watching silent films!” said area man Jimmy Nicketts, adding that he was disappointed to find out, upon turning up the volume all the way, that Archwood was not quite as silent as she pretended to be. “I tried watching all of her movies and kept making the same tragic discovery. To think, I looked up to her for all these years. She’s a soft-spoken fraud!” At press time, Archwood was reached for comment, but was speaking too quietly to be understood.
