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The citizens of the world announced yesterday that, after considering the state of politics and general human behavior, they would be placing all hope for the future of humanity in a newborn anteater at the Providence Zoo. Humankind came to this decision yesterday, after a year-long search for something pure to believe in. Beginning with the nation’s youth but quickly scaling down to just animals and inanimate objects, the search finally ended when the world’s final shred of goodness was found in a baby anteater at the Providence zoo.
Many supporters pointed out the young anteater’s ability to live his life with honesty, uninfluenced by corporate power or media attention, making him one of the only indications left that civilization is not entirely under the control of greedy, self-interested powers.
Providence native Adamo Mongell said that he simply had no faith left in humans. “I look at his tiny, weird face and I believe that everything will be okay," said Mongell. “It’s been so long since I’ve believed that.”
Karen Blake said that the baby anteater appealed to her because he appears to possess “a sense of joy and wonder”, which had been absent from her life for many years. Several other citizens cited the anteater’s innate sweetness as a major reason for their decision.
Providence resident Laura Tillson said that she, too, has placed all hope in the baby anteater, commenting, “We’re ruining the planet and we spend most of our money on video games and fancy knives made specifically for cutting tomatoes. This baby anteater gives me hope that genuine meaning exists in the world”. She also cited the anteater’s constant search for ants as a sign that he possessed the “unadulterated sense of noble purpose” necessary to lead humanity away from its current downward spiral.
Human children, who have long been the undisputed holders of all hope for humanity, are generally supportive of the plan. Charles Baum, 7, admitted that it was actually something of a relief. “Honestly, I just can’t stand the pressure," remarked Baum. "I’m tired of everyone telling me I’m the future. I just want to learn to read a chapter book without worrying about the polarized political system I’m inheriting.”
The ten-week-old anteater has not yet been named and has no way of commenting on the situation or even feeding himself. The anteater, who spends most of his time riding around on his mother’s back and nursing, seems unfazed by the attention he has been getting. His only response to the media has been his constant quiet serenity punctuated by the occasional shrill grunt typical of young anteaters.
