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The Brown Noser

Doctor Congratulates Patient For Being Sexually Active

Published Friday, September 16th, 2016

On a routine checkup this past week, Doctor Louis Greenberg high-fived patient Mitch Schulman upon hearing that he was sexually active.

After checking Schulman’s blood pressure, Greenberg “got straight to the good stuff,” asking if his patient of five years had “bumped uglies yet,” to which Schulman quickly responded, “Hell yeah.”

“That’s my boy,” Greenberg said, patting his patient on the back. “What are you doing in my office? You should be out somewhere having sex.”

At the doctor’s insistence, Schulman showed Greenberg photos on his phone of various girls he had slept with since his last check up. Greenberg could be seen jotting notes in his chart such as “hot as hell” and “smoke show.”

After examining Schulman, Greenberg concluded that he was “extremely healthy,” which he thought it was odd considering “Mitch’s dick probably should have fallen off considering the amount of sex he’s had.”

Greenberg concluded the exam by slapping his patient on the butt and urging him to use protection even though condoms are “straight jackets for penises.”

By the end of the ordeal, Schulman had enough of his doctor. “Never going there again,” he said. “That guy is pretty unprofessional.”

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