Recent reports from a dog birthday party indicate that Providence dog owner Shelly Waxburg desperately wants you to believe that she herself gave birth to her dog.

“Isn’t my Martha such a sweet little girl? I’ll forever remember the day she was born, oh it was the happiest day of my life,” gushed Waxburg, beaming at her bulldog who she actually got from a puppy mill. “There is no feeling quite like waiting so long for your baby to come into the world, and then finally being able to introduce her to your home, your family, and your neighborhood.”

“It’s so beautiful being Martha’s mommy. I felt so aimless, so lost, until she came into my life,” Waxburg continued, as if she and Martha were not entirely different species. “Parenthood is truly the greatest journey I will ever get to experience. ”

“And today, we are all so fortunate to be able to celebrate Martha’s 3rd birthday. That’s right, three years ago today, I first held this little bundle of joy in my arms,” said Waxburg, ignoring the fact that she adopted Martha at 4 weeks of age and didn’t even give birth to her. “Oh, my sweet, sweet baby, blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh, my pride and joy…”

At press time, Shelly’s husband was cooking Martha a gourmet birthday meal while acting like he never even wanted a dog.

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