In a last-ditch attempt to suppress the mail vote and help their father win reelection, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have reportedly spent days quietly putting mailbox flags down around several Philadelphia suburbs.
“Get that one! Go! Go! Go!” Don Jr. barked at his brother, keeping a careful watch for any witnesses as Eric hustled across the street to flip another mailbox flag down. “Shit, we got a looker coming up a block down! Book it!”
After hopping a fence and crouching behind a shrub while waiting for the bystander to pass, Eric reportedly asked his brother what’s this all for again?
“Don’t you get it, you numbskull?” Don Jr. snarled, jamming his pointer finger into Eric’s forehead and telling him to use his damn brain for once. “If we put the little red flag down, the mailman won’t ever come and pick up those fake mail ballots! We’re helping dad beat Sleepy Joe, capiche?”
At press time, an approaching police siren spurred the Trump boys to make a beeline for Ivanka’s getaway van idling nearby.