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The Brown Noser

Doorman So Good At The Outs, Not As Good At The Ins

Published Friday, April 24th, 2015

Sources report that local doorman Sal Schwarz is a pro at the outs, but still struggles with the ins. The doorman of 17 years knows exactly what to do when people are leaving his building, but is often at a loss when they enter.

At his 8th Avenue apartment complex, Schwarz can often be seen confidently opening the door for residents exiting the building. However, the moment a resident wishes to come in, Schwarz freezes up.

“The outs. They’re easy. Like pie. Any doorman worth his salt knows his outs. The ins are what mean something. There’s an old saying, ‘Judge a doorman by his ins, not by his outs,’” said Schwarz. “If you’re going to use that as your metric, I’m a pretty bad doorman.”

Residents of Schwarz’s building are split over his performance. “I’m normally in such a rush when I’m heading to work in the morning, and he’s always great at letting me out of the building,” explained longtime resident Louis Mitchell. “By the time I head home in the evening I can wait a few more seconds while he fumbles with the doorknob to let me in.”

Unfortunately for Schwarz, not all are as forgiving as Mitchell. “You’d never praise a pilot who could fly from New York to LA, but not the other way around,” said an exasperated Richard Isador. “People are too soft these days, and it makes me sick. Goddamn sick.”

Despite his difficulties, Schwarz remains optimistic about his future. “Listen, no one is perfect. That’s just a fact. If my ins aren’t always ideal, I’m okay with that,” said Schwarz. “The ins aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.”

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