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The Brown Noser

“Eh, She’s A Six, Seven Tops,” Says Man Whose Personality Is A Two

Published Friday, September 16th, 2016

Drunkenly peering across a bar to judge women based on their physical appearance, local man Greg Donaldson confidently asserted, “Eh, she’s a six, seven tops,” despite the fact that his personality is a two.

“Like, she’s cute, but so bland. There’s no way she knows how to have a good time,” stated Donaldson, as he neglected to tip the bartender and texted his mom “hbd” instead of calling her for her 65th birthday. “I’m looking for the kind of girl who realizes how lucky she is to be with me, and understands that I’m not always going to have time for her dumbass feelings bullshit.”

Sources report that after Donaldson grew tired of judging and preemptively rejecting women who had expressed no interest in him, he moved to the Karaoke bar, where he proceeded to sing the wrong words to Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA,” then called the Karaoke machine “gay” after it switched to a song he didn’t like. In addition, numerous sources recalled seeing the man who, minutes earlier, had deemed a woman’s attractiveness to be slightly above average, spill an entire beer on the dance floor then acting as though he had done nothing wrong.

“He came up behind me on the dance floor and grabbed my hips like he just assumed it was something I wanted,” stated Nicole Swart, who was at the bar celebrating her graduation from medical school. “When I asked him to stop he said he didn’t realize I was a lesbian and then said ‘your loss.’”

At press time sources confirmed that Donaldson had asked to borrow his roommate’s car to get to the bar, then drove it home drunk and left it with an empty gas tank.

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