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The Brown Noser

Entire Seminar Class Watches As Student Attempts To Quietly Open Bag Of Chips

Published Friday, September 16th, 2016

Students in Professor Taggart’s Greek History seminar sat rapt with attention Wednesday as they watched student Paul Hagan ‘17 attempt to quietly open a bag of chips during class.

Carefully angled behind his desk in an effort to muffle the sound, Hagan did his best to subtly open the bag without causing a distraction. “It seems like he doesn’t realize that we all see what he’s trying to do,” said Grayson Fayne, one of Hagan’s classmates. “I haven’t listened to anything the professor has said because I’m too invested in watching this boy try to open his snack without anyone noticing.”

Sources reported that Hagan’s efforts to clandestinely open the bag lasted almost seven minutes as he seemed to be unable to exert enough force to perforate the bag while remaining sneaky and covert. Hagan reportedly began trying to open the bag by pulling the sides apart, but ultimately settled on trying to create a small tear with his teeth that he could then rip open.

“Honestly it would have been less distracting if he had just opened the chips normally. You’re allowed to eat in this class, so it’s weird that he’s doing this,” stated Reid Clouse, a TA in the class Hagan disrupted. “He’s doing it really slowly, like that’s going to somehow make it quieter.”

“I get that Paul is a freshman but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a student this skittish in any of my courses,” stated Professor Taggart. “I was this close to pausing my lecture to tell the kid to just open the chips but I was worried that would just make him more nervous. Does he not want us to know he has chips? Or is he just trying to not cause a distraction? At this point I’m invested enough that I feel like I need to know.”

The situation escalated after Hagan was finally able to open the chips, when he proceeded to put the open bag in his backpack and pull the chips out one by one, eating them as slowly as possible in an effort to dull the sound of their crunchiness in his mouth.

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