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Unable to shake their giddy smiles as they toss and turn awake in bed, the entire student body of Brown University is too excited to sleep because of an upcoming CareerLAB virtual resume workshop.
“I know I should really get some shuteye, but I can’t stop thinking about how I get to attend an awesome Zoom seminar next week,” said sophomore Brenden Wurthers, who, like every other undergrad at Brown, has been up every night for over a week in sheer excitement at the prospect of getting resume tips from the CareerLAB. “I’m sorry, but you’re telling me that my friends and I can log on to Zoom and learn how to better layout our employment histories? Hell yeah! This is what college is about, baby!”
Grades across all class levels and concentrations have reportedly fallen due to a total campus-wide lack of sleep. Every student at Brown, from theater kids to athletes to environmental activists, has been staying up every night staring at their calendars and counting down the days until the virtual resume workshop.
“I was supposed to go home this Wednesday for my grandma’s 90th birthday, but it’s the day of the virtual resume workshop so I’m not going!” said senior Raphael Musa, wide awake at 3 o’clock in the morning. “Sorry, Grandma! But some things are more important than family, like knowing how many bullet points to put on my resume! Plus, this is going to be the biggest event on campus. Everyone from Brown is going to be on the Zoom!"
At press time, every single person at Brown University skipped around campus with glee as they all signed up for a virtual CareerLAB panel featuring alumni at McKinsey.
