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The Brown Noser

Everyone In Gym Looking At You, Wondering Why You’re There

Published Friday, March 6th, 2020

Every single person in the Nelson Fitness Center yesterday, from staff to student athletes to casual exercisers, confirmed that they were in fact looking at you and wondering why you even made the effort to come to the gym.

“It’s almost laughable. You clearly don’t know what you’re doing, nor are you wearing the correct athletic gear, the kind that everyone else has,” reported Cynthia Grasso ‘20, who clearly knows how to use all of the equipment and is absolutely taking little breaks between reps to look over at you in snide confusion. “Look, I just don’t want you to get hurt with those big weights!”

“Everyone has to start somewhere,” continued Grasso, who is definitely comfortable enough with her body to do laps at the pool without even thinking about it. "But maybe you should start by doing a push-up in your dorm room! Do you know what a push-up is? It’s just that you’re taking up space at the gym for people who really use it instead of just pretending that they’re really going to make consistent healthy life choices.”

Further reporting has shown that everyone in this class definitely thinks you’re dumb, so you probably should put your hand back down.

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