After reading countless Facebook posts which allege that the coronavirus vaccine implants a tracking chip, local exhibitionist Caroline Gu desperately hopes that these rumors are true.

“God, I hope Bill Gates knows everything I’m up to,” said Gu, writing her social security number in her Instagram bio. “I just love the attention and I don’t really care how I get it.”

“Just think of all the other advantages: I’d never get lost, I’d never have to text my friends where to meet me,” added Gu, distributing pamphlets with her address on them to strangers. “Ooh, maybe the tracking chip will send the government all my texts and emails!”

At press time, Gu was desperately hoping she would be contact traced.

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