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The Brown Noser

Expensive Coffee Tastes Bad In Fancy Way Instead Of Shitty Way

Published Friday, September 17th, 2021

Contorting his face after an unpleasant sip of a five-dollar cup of cold brew, area man Cyril O’Hara reported that rather than tasting bad in a shitty way, the coffee tasted bad in a fancy way.

“Mmm… you can really taste how they carefully selected only the most acrid, acidic coffee beans for this brew,” O’Hara said, picturing the intricate process that led to his coffee tasting terrible in a highly sophisticated way, as opposed to coffees that taste bad in an accessible, blue-collar way. “And you can tell that they brewed this with a patented five-step system designed to draw out only the most repugnant flavor notes, like moss, oak, and licorice.”

Taking another long draw from his cup, O’Hara picked up on additional complexities that comprised the pricey cup of joe, markedly different from the bad coffee he’s encountered at diners and gas stations.

“You can taste the care that went into this,” he said, recalling how he watched the baristas roast, grind, and brew the vile coffee right in front of him. “They heat the water to a delicate 197 degrees Fahrenheit to avoid obscuring any of those subtle nasty qualities of the coffee, and employ a careful ratio of 1:16 so that your icky, fancy coffee is not watered down.”

At press time, the coffee shop’s interior was cluttered in a chic way rather than a messy way.

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