In a press conference yesterday, the Food and Drug Administration formally double dog dared American consumers to eat the silica gel packet. “You know that weird little sack of beads you sometimes find in your crunchy snacks, new shoes, and pill bottles, marked with DO NOT EAT on the packet?” asked FDA commissioner Mark Whittaker with a grin, wide eyes, and a posse of fellow FDA board members loudly agreeing with him. “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if you ate it? Eat it. Do it. Come on, you won’t. Seriously it’d be so funny.” The official dare reportedly came about after an internal FDA study found that the nerds at the USDA were too chicken to eat the packet themselves, even though it’d be so cool.

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