Miserably pretending to enjoy the screeches and squawks emitted from Jefferson Elementary’s auditorium stage, parent Julius Tube reported that his son’s fifth grade orchestra was actually doing a horrible job.

“This is really, really awful. Just atrocious, really,” reported Tube, desperately hoping that the collection of budding musicians would soon end their butchered interpretation of Beethoven’s Ninth. “I know I’m supposed to be proud of him for trying, but come on, they practice every day, and this is the best they could do? Did they even bother tuning? Hell, I could do better than this, and I don’t even play an instrument!”

“Good God, please make it stop,” Tube continued, applying a pair of earplugs in a desperate attempt to drown out the orchestra’s near-perfect rendition of ailing cats noises. “Somebody has to tell them that this is simply not good. I’ve heard more melodic sounds come out of a chainsaw.”

At press time, a nearby middle school wind ensemble was somehow doing worse.

Article tools

• Print
• Email
• Tweet