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The Brown Noser

Fifth-Year Master’s Student Walks Into Grad Center Bar Like Notorious Gunfighter Back In Saloon For One Last Rodeo

Published Friday, May 3rd, 2024

Reports indicate that fifth-year master’s student Jake Richardson strode into the Grad Center Bar last Friday like a notorious gunfighter back in the saloon for one last rodeo.

“Here we go again,” grumbled the bartender as Richardson reportedly pushed through the door with his eyes scanning the room like a seasoned outlaw surveying his old stomping grounds. “I told you, we don’t want none of your kind around these parts.”

“I’ve seen him around since my freshman year,” claimed eyewitness Gareth Kennedy ‘25 while sipping on a craft IPA. “Legend has it he’s written more thesis drafts than any man alive. They say he’s here to finish the final chapter.”

“He just walked up to the counter and ordered ‘the usual,’ and the bartender poured a whiskey neat,” explained Kennedy as he settled his tab with Apple Pay. “It was like the whole room held its breath for a moment, watching him toast to invisible comrades."

At press time, Richardson was seen riding off into the moonlight, leaving only a bewildered tumbleweed and tales tall enough to rival any thesis.

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