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The Brown Noser

Florida's Leaders Scrambling To Figure Out How To Fuck Up Election This Time

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

With just days left until the 2020 election, Florida’s leaders are reportedly scrambling to figure out how they’ll fuck up the election this time.

“Fuck, what are we gonna do?!” said Florida Election Commissioner Glen Bulbis, anxiously clutching his head in his hands while struggling to keep from hyperventilating. “It’s looking like we might have a clear winner on election night. How could we let that happen?! We have to stop this!”

As millions of votes have already poured in through mail voting and early voting, Bulbis’s office has been frantically brainstorming new ideas to gum up the works and keep Florida’s election results up in the air for weeks to come.

“Did we make the ballots confusing enough??” Bulbis shouted across his office, desperately leafing through a stack of papers in search of some last-minute lifeline he could use to ensure an unsafe election in Florida. “Are there any batches of mail ballots we can lose? Or can the power go out at some Miami-Dade polling stations? Someone, God, do something!”

At press time, a frenzied Supreme Court was rushing to figure out how to make sure they’ll decide this election.

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