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The Brown Noser

Freedom Ain't Free, But It Is 50% Off At Bob's Freedom Shop by Bob, Owner Of Bob's Freedom Shop

Published Friday, April 24th, 2015

That’s right, folks, you heard it here first. It’s true what they say: freedom ain’t free. But guess what? Over here at Bob’s Freedom Shop, you can buy it for half off. Sounds too good to be true? Well, do you know what else sounded too good to be true? A little document called the Constitution, but 250 years later it’s still holding strong, and I’m selling freedom at a steeply discounted price.

Plus, you can bet your behind that freedom isn’t the only thing we’re selling at Bob’s Freedom Shop! Need a lawnmower? 70 percent off! A novelty garden gnome? 80 percent off! These deals are so crazy, they should lock me up. Imagine that, locking up the owner of Bob’s Freedom Shop.

Freedom, freedom, freedom. I was born in the U.S., but Bruce Springsteen doesn’t know my story. He’s a celebrity. Celebrities don’t have to pay for anything, including freedom. Technically, freedom is free for them, but celebrities also never use idioms, so it still holds true.

Have you heard of Operation Iraqi Freedom, a.k.a. the Iraq War? That was freedom fully-priced. That’s why you have to comparison shop. George W. Bush bought his freedom from Lou’s Freedom Shop. He paid an arm and a leg! He should have came to old Bob’s.

Freedom. FREE DOOM. Think about that. Half-priced doom is a little more accurate. Not as catchy though. It seems like the only thing that matters anymore is having a melody that you can hum.

That’s it for Bob here. I gave my old spiel. Please buy my freedom. It is good freedom. All freedom is good, but mine is the best because it is half-priced. Freedom on the cheap!

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