Partly Cloudy, 64°
When Alex Kahn ’15 arrived at Orientation this weekend, he had high hopes for his social life at Brown.
“I thought it was gonna be a breeze making friends, what with how my dad is, like, super rich and I’m from New York,” he said.
But Kahn did not anticipate how large a percentage of the school would be financially secure.
“How was I gonna win these kids’ shallow affection when some of them were even wealthier than I was?” he explained. “That’s when it hit me: bribe them with superficial aspects of friendship like laughing a lot, being true and loyal, selflessly helping a friend in need … and it worked. I’m not proud of it, but it worked.”
Over the past week, Kahn has meticulously organized his life into an endless series of seemingly mundane bonding experiences with his fellow peers. Just yesterday, Kahn led a small group onto the roof of Alumni Hall to reminisce about the mid- to late-’90s Nickelodeon programming of their youth.
“Turns out it was a big hit,” Kahn remarked. "Probably bought myself at least four solid years of friendship with that one night. What can I say? I play the game. Play it like a fucking player.”
Kahn’s friend-making scheme is not without its shortcomings. “I wish I could just be myself around my ‘friends’, you know?" Kahn said, sighing regretfully. "Be the mean, fucking selfish bastard that I really am and pay these kids off for their friendship with concert tickets and trips to my dad’s private island, like I did for pretty much my entire life.”
“Sometimes I even feel guilty about this friendship stuff. Can’t help feeling like it’ll all catch up with me… all this bribery and deceit," Kahn confessed, fingering a friendship lanyard given to him by Richard Ho ’15.
“But that’s not gonna stop me. Sure, it might not be pretty, and yeah, maybe it is kinda messed up. But if Vanessa-on-the-3rd-floor’s dog just died, you bet your ass I’m gonna stay up with her all night, helping her through it with kind words and loving patience. Because that’s the kind of fucked up monster I am.”
