Sunday, December 17, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Freshman Stealing Bananas From Dining Hall Thinks He’s Some Kind Of Master Thief

Published Friday, December 1st, 2017

Peeking over both shoulders to check for witnesses as he hastily shoved four bananas into his backpack, Ben Hastings ’21 fled from the Ratty in a rush on Tuesday feeling as though he’d beaten the Dining Services system yet again.

“Another successful heist,” Hastings proudly thought to himself as he nonchalantly speed-walked past a BUDS employee on break who saw the whole thing go down. “They don’t even know what just hit them."

Breaking into a run after bursting through the exit doors, Hastings could only imagine the workers’ shock if they knew about the massive haul he had just made off with. BUDS employees emphasized that they really didn’t think it was a big deal.

Sources report that Hastings frequently brags about his illicit escapades to his friends at lunch while defiantly lounging at the very scene of his crimes.

“You’d never believe the load I got away with yesterday,” Hastings reported to his friends, prefacing an entirely believable story. I got two slices of pepperoni pizza, a plate-full of pasta WITH alfredo sauce, and a whole heap of vanilla soft serve. I even filled up my water bottle with Coke!”

“It’s very simple so I don’t understand why no one else has figured out how to game the system like me,” Hastings said, woefully unaware that his methods are anything but original. “All you do is ask for a takeout box when you come in, fill it up with whatever you want, and then sit down and eat a whole meal. It’s like getting two meals for the price of one! Can you believe that?”

At press-time, Hastings was being questioned by a security guard who caught him trying to walk off without paying for his spicy with at Jo’s.

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