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The Brown Noser

Freshman's Every Remark Met With Raucous Applause

Published Wednesday, September 7th, 2011

The entire campus broke out into fits of ecstatic hand-clapping this week after interacting with Darren Burke ’15 for the first time. Eyewitnesses unanimously reported that they were blown away by the sensational freshman’s combination of wit, academic rigor and ravishing good looks.

The 18-year-old’s insuppressible talent for everything first became apparent during an introductory philosophy lecture on Monday when, after keeping his hand raised for several minutes, Burke was called on to speak by Professor of Philosophy David Estlund.

“Oh, I was just going to say that subjective ethics become a little less important when we look at everything through the lens of moral relativism,” said Burke.

The comment’s effect on the room was immediate and palpable. Several students fainted on the spot from sheer overexposure to Burke’s debonair eloquence.

“Dear God, I– Mr. Burke, that was incredible,” said Professor Estlund, struggling to recover from the prodigious display of intellect he had just witnessed. “Class dismissed.”

Students were permitted to leave the packed 500-seat auditorium almost an hour early, but most chose to remain in order to give Burke a deafening ten-minute standing ovation.

The crowd of adoring peers then hoisted Burke above their heads and carried him up and down Thayer Street for the rest of the afternoon, stopping their cheering only to tend to students who had injured themselves by cheering too enthusiastically.

In a public email to the Brown community, President Ruth Simmons expressed her admiration and respect for the confident ease with which Burke reportedly ordered a falafel wrap at the Ivy Room.

“The way he told me to ‘hold the sauce’! What an orator!” said wrap maker Andrea Solisch ’15.

Although Simmons’ email consisted almost entirely of pictures of Burke and lengthy odes that faculty members had written in praise of him, Simmons labeled it as “highly urgent,” explaining that “the world has a right to know about the tremendous human being who has just arrived at Brown University.”

After hearing reports of one of Burke’s awe-inspiringly articulate sneezes, Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee ‘75 P’14 cancelled all of the day’s appointments in order to meet the freshman firsthand. Upon shaking Burke’s hand and listening for ten seconds to his genius insights about how government is like literature, Chafee called an emergency press conference to declare September 1st Darren Burke Day statewide.

A tearful Chafee said that his only regret was that he could not declare every single day to be Darren Burke Day.

On the strength of his raw charisma alone, political analysts now project Burke as the prohibitive favorite to win next year’s U.S. presidential election, with his apotheosis expected to follow soon afterwards.

Though Burke was too modest to comment on the developing situation, sources speculated that he must be relieved to have finally found a place where everyone else recognizes that he is the best and smartest person who has ever lived or will ever exist.

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