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The Brown Noser

Jamie Brew

Editor-in-Chief (Retired)

Jamie's articles

Man With Book of Insults Stymied By Man With Corresponding Book of Comebacks | May 09 2012

Alan Beahm, who owns a copy of Dell Publishing’s “The Giant Book Of Insults”, saw his uncontested dominance at insults falter on Wednesday afternoon when he encountered George Caulder, a man who carries a copy of Dell’s “The Giant Book Of Comebacks” at all times.

Fed Announces Five-Dollar Bills Now Wild | May 09 2012

In a press conference on Tuesday, Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke announced that beginning May 15, the Federal Reserve will accept five-dollar bills as wildcards that can stand in for any amount of money. “Fives can now be played as tens or fifties or even still as fives if you like,” said Bernanke.

Following in Simmons's Footsteps, Paxson To Resign | Mar 09 2012

Saying that she wishes to honor the legacy that current president Ruth Simmons left behind, incoming president Christina Paxson announced on Thursday morning that she will step down as president early next semester. “Ruth Simmons was an effective and popular president because she was not afraid to make big decisions,” said Paxson, addressing students and faculty in Alumnae Hall, “and none was bigger than her decision last fall to resign the presidency.

Crowd's Noise-Making Ability Called Into Question | Mar 09 2012

An enthusiastic man standing on a stage in a sold-out Dunkin’ Donuts Center publicly questioned a crowd’s ability to make some noise on Wednesday. “How are you all doing tonight?” said the man upon first taking the stage, to applause. The man said, “how are you all doing tonight?” When the crowd responded with what it believed was a more respectable cheer, the man expressed doubts about whether the crowd had heard him the first time and alleged that a crowd in a different city had made a louder noise for a longer period of time than this crowd.

Further Spending Cuts Could Hurt The Economy So Good | Mar 09 2012

My opponents have argued that by cutting spending during this time of strife, our government would be repeating the same mistakes it made in the 1930s. My opponents have claimed that such cuts would plunge us into a tortured era of misery and severely damage our economy, leaving it in a battered state from which it would take years to recover.

Student in U.S. History Class Sure Hopes Native Americans Come Out on Top | Dec 07 2011

As the class covers a unit this week on mid-nineteenth century conflicts between colonists and Native Americans, HIST0460: "US History to 1864” student Garret Hughes ’15 said he is definitely rooting for the Native Americans. “It’s a tall task, but they’re such a scrappy bunch, so optimistic and resourceful,” said Hughes.

Toledo to Try Its Hand at Frozen Yogurt, Korean Food, Retail Banking | Dec 07 2011

The Thayer Street eatery that opened last fall under the name Toledo Pizza In A Cone, before becoming Thayer Pita Pockets earlier this semester, has announced plans to reopen later this month as Mama Antonio’s Brown University Yogurtstore and Bank.

Movie Review: 'Hugo' | Dec 07 2011

"Hugo"’s eponymous protagonist (Asa Butterfield) peers wide-eyed through the glass face of a 1930s Parisian train station’s main clock. The bustling station scene he observes from this vantage point is busy enough, filled with all the requisite archetypes — the stern but bumbling station inspector (Sascha Baron Cohen), the cheery florist (Emily Mortimer), the cosmopolitan travelers and city ruffians — and yet despite it all, the whole sequence still felt tiring to me.

Secretary of Education Suggests Nation's Teachers Try Talking Louder | Nov 04 2011

Explaining that American public school students probably didn’t hear them the first time, United States Secretary of Education Arne Duncan on Tuesday called on educators to repeat last year’s curriculum in a slow, loud and clear voice. “Teachers, you all just need to pause for a second, take a deep breath and then say the same things you just said about math and literature and stuff, but louder,” said Duncan.

I Have Lied to You | Nov 04 2011

Good afternoon. I am sorry for arriving so late. My fellow party members were understandably upset with me for lying to them about my recent actions, and I wanted to take the time to give them all a full apology. But now I am here, and it’s time to clear up any doubts you all may have.

Diving Team Accused Of Intentionally Diving | Sep 07 2011

In a Wednesday interview with Boston College’s student newspaper The Heights, BC swimming and diving coach Tom Groden questioned the sportsmanship of Brown’s men’s and women’s diving squads, accusing them of diving deliberately in order to receive higher scores from judges.

Ivy Room Snags Falafel-Making Prodigy | Sep 07 2011

The most anticipated deal of the 2011 Dining Services offseason was completed Monday night as wunderkind wrap-maker Andrea Solisch ‘15 announced that she had reached an agreement in principle to sign an exclusive three-year, $17,000 contract with the Ivy Room.

Reverse Psychology Department Demands Funding Cuts | Sep 07 2011

Members of the Department of Reverse Psychology have asked President Ruth Simmons to drastically reduce the department’s funding for the 2011-12 school year on the grounds that it is a stupid and unnecessary institution that the school should never have funded in the first place.

Professor Runs Through List Of Geology Jokes One Last Time | Sep 07 2011

In the minutes before the first session of GEOL 1610: “Solid Earth Geophysics” on Monday, Professor of Geology Don Forsyth took a final read-through of a ten-page list of geology-related jokes that he intends to scatter throughout lectures this semester.

Freshman's Every Remark Met With Raucous Applause | Sep 07 2011

The entire campus broke out into fits of ecstatic hand-clapping this week after interacting with Darren Burke ’15 for the first time. Eyewitnesses unanimously reported that they were blown away by the sensational freshman’s combination of wit, academic rigor and ravishing good looks.

Freshman Places Into Senior Level Friend Group | Sep 07 2011

After receiving standout scores on her social placement exams last week, Elizabeth Mesler ’15 chose to forego the first three years of college friendships and begin her first year at Brown in a clique composed mainly of seniors. Test administrator Julian Price said he believed Mesler was “more than ready” for the reminiscing-intensive extra curriculum of a senior social life.

Wings and Things Discontinues Wings | Apr 27 2011

Wings and Things has eliminated chicken wings from its menu after owners said a decreased demand for wings, coupled with a rising interest in everything else, necessitated the shift to a more thing-centric business model. The Brook Street eatery decided last month to expand its previous selection, which featured things as popular as cole slaw and chocolate chip cookies, to include all other entities that have existed, exist, will exist or could exist anywhere ever.

It On | Apr 27 2011

Reliable sources concur: It's on. Garbage men this morning could smell in the air that it was on. Even through the garbage they could smell it. "It's a job," they wearily said, "but more importantly, it's on."

There Definitely Some Shame in That, Implies Friend Saying There No Shame in That | Apr 27 2011

You have hopelessly embarrassed yourself yet again, according to the unmistakable undertones of your friend Michael Singleton's statement that there is "absolutely no reason to feel bad" about being scared to sit on the edge of the bridge and enjoy the city view with everyone else.

I Am Undefeated at Drinking Games | Apr 27 2011

Arise, you fools. It's 4 o'clock on Thursday already, which I shouldn't need to remind you means that it is time to party. Come now, stop clutching at your heads and get yourselves some coffee. You have another long night of drinking games ahead of you. Don't tell me you're hungover.

The Future is Movable Type | Apr 27 2011

Newspapers today are in dire straits. Circulation is dwindling, profits are plummeting and tumult besets us, the proud bulwarks of honest reportage, on all sides. Through it all we have continued to uphold the integrity with which our forebears began this paper, to bring the news as accurately as possible to as many as possible.

Comparative Literature Class on Science Textbooks Proves Expensive | Feb 25 2011

A new course offered this semester by the Department of Comparative Literature, COLT1740F: "Comparative Textbook Analysis," has drawn criticism from students for its heavy workload and costly reading materials. Required reading for the class includes several editions of several textbooks on each of several scientific subjects, as well as two editions of the course text, Modern Approaches to Textbook Analysis, a compendium containing full reproductions of dozens of textbooks.

I Find Joy in the Complicated Things | Feb 25 2011

The leaves' rhythmic rustle under my feet on a windswept November day. A saxophone's mellow tones calling sweetly through the bustle of the city evening. A child's careless smile as she tosses a coin into the little stone fountain. It's the simple things like these that turn my soul into a slobbering swamp of disgust.

IBM's Watson Defeats Human Opponents in Eating Contest | Feb 25 2011

Watson, IBM's supercomputer, easily bested the world's two most successful hot dog eaters in a televised "man versus machine" competition that aired Thursday on CBS. Five-time world champion Takeru Kobayashi and current champ Joey Chestnut put forth valiant efforts, with 71.

LonelyMasturbation Co. Sees Boost in Wednesday Night Attendance | Feb 25 2011

It was past 11 p.m., but the night was just beginning at The LonelyMasturbation Company, where an unprecedented swell in attendance since the beginning of the semester has turned the Water Street bar into Providence's hottest late-night destination. Owner Adrian Campbell described LonelyMasturbation Co as "a great place for people to get together, unwind and wallow in their emotional isolation.

SciLi Adds 1500 Decibel Zone | Dec 03 2010

The Sciences Library Friedman Study Center opened a 1500 decibel section for students who wish to practice instruments, set off mortar grenades into packs of howling wolves at the center of the sun, or study in groups larger than five.

FDA Warns Gun-Shaped Energy Drink Actually Just a Gun | Dec 03 2010

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) issued a statement Wednesday cautioning consumers against Magnum V, a popular new energy drink combining alcohol, caffeine and .11 caliber steel bullets all in one neatly packaged gun-like can.

There's a Party In My Pants, and Your Invitation Must Have Gotten Lost In The Mail | Dec 03 2010

Well hello there, beautiful. You must be a parking ticket, because- Hold on. I have to take this call. Hello? Yes. Yes. Only if the caterers arrive before six. Okay. I know. Okay. I'm in the middle of something, I have to go. Okay. Goodbye.

New Social Utility 'Life' Revolutionizes Communication | Oct 29 2010

What began last December as a humble idea in the minds of a few Rutgers University freshmen has blossomed into a millions-strong nationwide phenomenon.

I Dare to Be an Accountant | Oct 29 2010

As foolish as this may sound, it is my aspiration to one day make my name in accounting, that most inscrutable, that most romantic of callings.

Students to Settle This on the Badminton Court | Oct 29 2010

Shit is expected to get real any second now at the Olney-Margolies Athletic Complex, where Lily Attison '12 and Toby Dugnam '12 are poised to end this once and for all, on the motherfucking badminton court.

Admissions Office Forgets to Admit Class of 2014 | Sep 03 2010

School officials scrambled Monday to rectify the latest mistake made by Brown’s bumbling admissions team, which completely forgot to admit students to the more than 1500 vacant spots in the class of 2014. The pile of 30,000 applications, including almost 3,000 sent in by early-decision applicants, went unnoticed on the admissions office desk for over ten months.

Sports Happening Again | Sep 03 2010

"The unmistakable stench of sweat and complex rule systems cut through the brisk fall air last Monday as sources were reluctant to report that sports seem to have returned to Brown's campus. Sports take a massive toll on the entire community as innocent people are forced to organize, observe, participate in, and remark on the outcomes of literally hundreds of sporting events throughout the fall and into the winter.

Nothing Can Compare to the Joy of Being a Father Except the Joy of Riding This Roller Coaster | Sep 03 2010

I am almost 35 years old, and I can honestly tell you that nothing in my life had prepared me for the overwhelming joy I felt when, last year, I became a father. But even that could not prepare me for the overwhelming joy I felt when, last week, I rode the Mega Rocket Supercoaster at Six Flags New England.

Reporter So Fucked | Sep 03 2010

Pounding his right fist into his left palm to symbolize resolve, a reporter for the Brown Noser announced to himself, right now, that it was finally time to write the article that was supposed to be finished three whole days ago. The reporter set aside several hours tonight to sit down and finish the damn thing, but somehow it has already been two hours and he is only on the second paragraph.

Yet Again, Loui's Staff Decide to Stay Up Until 5 and Make Breakfast | Apr 23 2010

Although they all have stuff to do tomorrow and are totally going to kick themselves for it later, employees of Loui's Family Restaurant on Brook Street decided at 1 a.m last night to hang out in the store until the morning and then serve people some food.

Snoop Dogg Headlines Janus Forum Debate on Education | Apr 23 2010

The first event in the Janus Forum's much anticipated debate series on education took place in Salomon 101 yesterday, and featured conservative political commentator Edward Morton matching wits with smooth-spitting hip hop artist Snoop 'Doggy' Dogg. Mr. Morton said he was excited to discuss such an important issue with an educational theorist as eminent as Mr.

University Cracks Down on Scalping Other Students for Spring Weekend Tickets | Apr 23 2010

University representatives announced a tougher policy toward students who did not acquire their Spring Weekend tickets directly from the Brown Concert Agency, stating that it is technically illegal under University rules to kill other students, remove their scalps and take their tickets.

Student Legally Changes Age to 21 | Apr 23 2010

Defying societal norms and asserting her right to use any age she likes, Kate Dorelle '12 officially changed her age last Thursday from 19 to 21 years old. "It's about independence. It's about being yourself," said Dorelle. "I didn't choose my age. My parents did, and I'm not going to let them or anyone tell me how to live my life.

Lab Animals Demand More Juice | Apr 23 2010

Animals from across the nation and all over the evolutionary tree gathered Tuesday outside the National Institute of Health's main campus in Bethesda, Maryland to protest what they consider to be unfairly small juice rewards. Many hoisted homemade signs voicing their dissent with phrases like "Release the Juice" and "Thirsty for Change.

Dining Options Paralyze Student With Indecision | Feb 26 2010

In what is becoming more and more painfully representative of his directionless life path, Samuel Maurris '12 has yet to reach a decision on exactly which foods at the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall will constitute his Monday morning breakfast. Despite having more than enough time waiting in line to decide what he wants to do with his breakfast, Maurris was reportedly speechless when asked for the third time what he would like in his omelette.

Rhyme Log | Feb 26 2010

The following summary includes all major incidents reported to the Department of Public Safety between February 9 and February 23. It does not include general service and alarm calls. The Providence Police Department also responds to incidents occurring off campus.

As Math Professor Approaches Student, Awkwardness Approaches Infinity | Feb 26 2010

Just when Stephanie Tillsden '13 thought math professor Thomas Kandel's ineptitude had reached an absolute maximum, he yet again managed to reach a new plane of awkwardness when he asked her on a date to a social function. The encounter occurred on Tuesday in the third quadrant of the Main Green after Kandel altered his directional vector to intersect with Tillsden's.

Evil Literary Genius Terrorizes College Hill | Dec 04 2009

With his formidable ability to alter the written word at will, the ________(adjective) super-villain known as Mad Lib has seized control of campus, leaving residents in a state of ________(emotion). Mad Lib ________(adverb) announced his victory by causing all the street signs on College Hill to read: "________(Verb) in fear! All your nouns, conjunctions, and ________(part of speech, pl.) belong to me now! Muahahahaha! Ahahaaah! ________(evil exclamation)" Mad Lib's reign of chaos has already brought enormous inconvenience.

Inevitable Mortality the Least of Student's Problems | Dec 04 2009

René Caster '12 has so much work due this week and the next week-AND the next week-that she just absolutely hates her life right now, ugh, reported the sophomore, inexplicably ignoring the unavoidable truth that she, like all living things, will ultimately perish.

Chinua Achebe Needs to Stop Quoting Chinua Achebe | Dec 04 2009

I'm all for professors who are well-versed in literature. It's important to have teachers who can point students to just the right passage to answer their questions or get them thinking. But when every single word out of your mouth is a direct quote of Nigerian novelist Chinua Achebe, there comes a point where things start to fall apart.

Student Keeps Referring to Dance Partner as "Opponent" | Dec 04 2009

Andrew Glover '12 has won his last eight dance battles, the sophomore breathlessly announced to a crowd of five on Wriston quad Saturday night. Glover said his victories were decisive as he forced his opponents' resignation in all eight grinding contests.

Bull in China Shop Becomes Elephant in Room | Oct 23 2009

Staff and customers of Wickenden Kilnworks attempted to politely ignore a rampaging bull as it tore through the store and destroyed hundreds of valuable antiques earlier this week. The 1700-pound bovine entered the shop shortly after noon and said he only wanted to "look around.

Ask Jamie | Oct 23 2009

Jamie - I just finished laying out my plan for health reform at a joint session of Congress. Now, I'm writing directly to you because what happens next is critical- and I need your help. Change this big will not happen because I ask for it. It can only come when the nation demands it.

It's Pronounced Douchéest | Oct 23 2009

By now everyone has surely heard of the terrible error in August's issue of GQ. The magazine listed our very own Brown University as the douchiest college in America. I take offense to that. It's pronounced douchéest. GQ's use of the base term "douche" is inexcusable; whether the error was inadvertent or malevolent, the fact remains: a national magazine has libeled generations of proud Brown douchés.

Trinidad Vacationers Given Job Offer by Carmen Sandiego | Apr 24 2009

Thieving villainess Carmen Sandiego covertly approached two Brown students returning from Trinidad in order to offer them two lucrative positions working for the Villains' International League of Evil (V.I.L.E.), according to an anonymous source. The red-coated, fedora-wearing nemesis of the ACME detective agency was reportedly impressed by the two students, who managed to evade government search efforts for several days.

Emma Watson: Corrections: Corrections | Apr 24 2009

In February the Brown Noser published a series of corrections of a December profile of then-prospective-Brown-freshman Emma Watson. Additional information had come to light calling our attention to several factual inaccuracies in the December article. Since then, however, additional information has come to light calling our attention to several factual inaccuracies in the February corrections of the December article.

Ask Jamie | Apr 24 2009

Dear James A Brew: You're a valued Citizen's Bank customer, and our goal is to keep you informed of changes that may affect the way you bank with us. That's why we are writing to you today. On Tuesday, April 28, 2009, at 6:00 p.m., our branch at 120 Waterman Street will close and consolidate with our branch at 8 Washington Street.

Two Cannons, Three Infantry, Horse Invade North Africa from Brazil | Feb 27 2009

In an overwhelming display of military force, Brazil deployed almost three cannons to North Africa early this morning, seizing the territory easily with losses of less than a single horse. The two combatants previously reached a treaty that stated they would cease combat against each other for as long as it took to conquer Europe and North America.

Emma Watson: Corrections | Feb 27 2009

In December the Brown Noser published a profile of then-prospective-Brown-freshman Emma Watson. Since then, additional information has come to light that called to our attention several factual inaccuracies in the December article. We at the Noser think nothing more important than the public's right to accurate news coverage, and what follows are the corrections of said inaccuracies found in said article.

Giant Ball of Fire Hurtles Towards Horizon | Feb 27 2009

Astronomers have detected a massive burning ball of gas on an apparent collision course with the horizon, according to a late afternoon emergency press release by Harvard Observatory Chief Astronomer Frank Seagrave. "At first it appeared to be just an abnormally bright star, but it soon became clear that it was far too close and too large to be a star.

Student Repeatedly Encouraged to Chug | Dec 05 2008

In a resounding decision Friday night, friends of Eric Swain '11 repeatedly and unanimously expressed support of Swain's intention to 'chug.chug.Chug. Chug! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!' the remainder of his 12 fluid ounce can of Natural Light. The method of consumption was first advocated by Swain's roommate Tim Branch '11 as a quick solution for his sobriety.

Sauron Announces Plans for Burning Eye of Death Atop SciLi | Dec 05 2008

President Ruth Simmons of Brown University and Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor and Base Master of Treachery, announced yesterday that they had reached an agreement concerning Sauron's plans for expansion of his domain of pure evil onto Brown's campus. Sauron, who holds a master's degree in business management from the University of Georgia as well as inconceivable Satanic powers of chaos and death, said building a massive, omniscient eye of fire on the roof of Brown's Sciences Library would be highly conducive to his tentative plan of mass enslavement and domination of all known lands.