Partly Cloudy, 64°
According to a recent report, junior Sidney Jones is probably gonna die soon after her twentieth birthday.
“I don’t know what I’m gonna do without her,” Jones’ friend Megan Wang wailed. “God, she’s not going to be able to walk, or move, or go five minutes without talking about how terrible the job market is.”
“At least she’ll be happy up in heaven,” Wang continued as tears continued to stream down her young, unwrinkled face. “Maybe there she’ll actually be able to afford buying a house.”
At press time, tortoise turning 210 never felt better.
