Blissfully jumping on a backyard bouncy house, local eight-year-old Katie Murphy is unaware of how much her peanut allergy is really fucking up this birthday party.

“It’s like she doesn’t give a shit about the rest of us,” said party attendee Emily Pradin, watching Murphy open a box of apple juice. “Now, we have to have a peanut-free cake instead of a normal one? And we have to order pizza from a special place instead of Dominos? She’s so fucking inconsiderate.”

“I was excited for this all yesterday,” Pradin continued while Murphy dug a hole in the sandbox with a colorful shovel. “Now, it’s all just bullshit. And all the grown-ups keep reading the chip labels and everything to make sure she can eat them. I mean, really? We all know she’s just doing it for attention.”

At press time, Murphy was also allergic to cashews, almonds, hazelnuts, walnuts, and pistachios, but pecans were fine.

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