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Going on almost five minutes now without touching the soccer ball, goalie Jenna Kappenmacher is basically just friggin standing there, sources confirm. “She’s like a frickin log out there,” said spectator Grant Eartman as Kappenmacher waved her arms briefly and shouted something downfield—probably something like, “I’m lazy as hell and I’m just gonna effin stand around instead of helping my teammates.” “Come on Jenna, do something! Do anything!” At press time, Kappenmacher’s team was up 9-0 and she was still acting like a freakin human sloth. What a joke.
