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The Brown Noser

God Is Big But Not As Big As People Think

Published Friday, April 29th, 2016

God. For years and years we’ve thought God was the biggest thing in the world. God is big, it turns out—real big. A close reading of the scripture and careful historical analysis reveals the truth. God is big but not as big as we generally think he is. He’s about 40 feet tall. The perfect size for a loving, beneficent deity.

Some theologians estimate god to be as big as the sky. That just doesn’t make sense. If the Earth, to God, looked as tiny as a little marble, he wouldn’t be able to see us in any detail—and he LOVES us. That is the whole point of God! At 40 feet tall, God is still very big, but not too big to lower himself down to our level. That’s nice.

What else do we know about God? Decades of careful study have shown us that God is a man, He’s got a big beard, and He loves robes. But those robes would have to be enormous to fit a god that’s 300 miles tall. 40-foot tall robes? Not out of the question. God loves us so much that he made himself just the right size to lift us up in his big but not giant hands. At 40 feet tall, he’s big enough that he can take a bunch of us at a time on a ride around town on his back but he’s got delicate enough hands that he can brush our hair for us and tuck us into bed at night without hurting us.

Anyone who says that God is small like a mouse is clearly insane. The consensus among theologians is that if God were small like a mouse he’d always have to worry about being stepped on. But anyone who says he is bigger than a four-story house just hasn’t been reading the Bible closely enough. If God is really tall enough to pluck jet planes out of the sky, then even if you averaged his height with Mary’s height (5’2” if we take the historical average) Jesus would have to be many many miles high. He’s not. If he were that tall, they wouldn’t have been able to find any wood big enough to crucify him.

Also, if God’s head were sticking all the way up into the exosphere, no way would he be able to breathe. It’s inconvenient at best, suicidal at worst.

There you have it. The proof is in the pudding, they say. Well this time the ingredients of the pudding are careful biblical study and historical argument.

Also, God drives a giant Tesla Model S. I know this because I saw him.

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